Dear Maa, I Wish You Could See This Before You Leave

Posted by Pooja Dholakia in My Story, Society
May 17, 2017

Hugs, gifts, cakes, candles – these are what people give their mothers on Mother’s Day. I sit here outside the ICU, watching my mother battle for life. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, I write this letter to my mother, who taught me to be strong, tough, sensitive, and sensible. A mother who never told me to shy away from anything just for being a girl. She gave me my voice, she had my back, she told me to express, to speak up, to care, and to not put up with injustices. Here’s to a mother who might not make it back home to bless her kid this Mother’s Day, but she is and will forever be the most loved one.

Dear Maa,

How fond and vivid are those memories of when you held my hand and helped me learn how to walk! I knew I would fall but I had you to support me, encourage me and make me try and try till I succeeded. Sorry – till we succeeded. We shared moments and emotions, successes and failures, victories and defeats, and all the other highs and lows. We were better friends than anyone would expect two individuals with a 26-year generation gap full of mistakes between them to be.

Maa, I know you might never read this letter, but I am writing it to make myself feel like I did something for us this Mother’s Day. Every year this day shall come, every year the bells shall ring, every year the cakes shall be cut and hugs and kisses showered, but you will still be missed. No Maa, I am not crying. I am not broken. You made me so strong that somewhere in between, I forgot I have feelings that need to come out, that I can express without the fear of being judged. That I can cry my heart out and not be called weak. You made me so strong that I lost myself in trying to be someone who I wasn’t.

I want to curse you for this. Yet I know I can’t because I love you. And now, when you are dying, I want to save you. I know we have differences, but I shall make them alright if you only come back to me. I know we have a big distance between us, but I promise to end it. I know I said wrong things to you, being the brat that I was – forgive me for that. When you asked me to tell you what was wrong, I couldn’t. Not because I was afraid of you hitting me, or scolding me – but because I was afraid you might not be able to take it. I was wrong. You had and you have all the right to know everything about your child, everything that I do, everywhere that I go, every person that I meet, and every time that I cry when I so miserably need you. I am sorry. I could’ve been a better child to you, but I thought I had time to mend things. I am not making excuses. I just need you back. I need all that lost time back.

When I didn’t wake up in the morning, you asked me if I was well. You came and slept beside me and always stood by my side when I needed you the most, asking for nothing in return. Why can you not wake up now and why can I not be with you in the space you are in? I don’t want you to go – not yet. There are deeds to be done, things to be said, moments to be shared and a life to be cherished. I have many complaints. I may have hurt you the most, too! But when it comes to heartbreak, no friend, no boyfriend could ever manage it – but just the guilt of not sharing something with you, and you being upset, breaks my strong heart easily. You do not know how shattered I am today, Maa. Your daughter needs you here.

I will mend everything, I will make things right. I will never say no to you, I will always respect you. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated and not act like a 20-year-old irresponsible girl who just wants to get rid of her mother. I just need one chance to make things right!

I’m not writing much else because I will bore you, and cry a lot – which, again, will make you sad. In the end, I just want to say – I am responsible for many of the tears that you’ve shed. Let me have a chance to convert them to endless smiles. I love you a lot and I miss you.

Happy Mother’s Day to the most amazing parent and friend, and a person I can’t imagine life without.

Your loving daughter