Somewhere Between Incomplete and I’m Complete

Posted by Hansikha Vohra
June 10, 2017

Self-Published

They say life is supposed to be lived to the fullest, and for the very same reason, we frivolous and capitalist-bred beings, resort to unethical practices for quenching our thirst for a cocktail called ‘happiness’. This much coveted holy grail, as intoxicating as it may seem, is a far fetched dream — relative and ephemeral.

We go on filling our plates with exquisite dishes which seem like the perfect meal, notwithstanding the after-effects of such ‘junk’ food.

Enough with the analogies, what I think I am trying to say is that, I go the extra mile just to experience the enigmatic feeling of happiness.

But after multiple attempts, and two books later, I still feel barren and despondent.

I tried everything deemed suitable — going out, partying, reading new age philosophy, even dating for a while…

But the more I indulged in the materialistic world and complied with its norms, I found myself feeling perpetually lethargic and nostalgic for the person I used to be before my breakup.

And as I write this, it dawns on me that perhaps, this could be the reason for my dystopia. Maybe, I was so grossly engrossed in a relationship, that it is being hard for me to grow now.

Or perhaps, the reason for this feeling of spiritual nausea is more than just one person I term as my ‘past’.  Relationships are supposed to make you feel complete, they used to say. Nowadays, the saying has changed dramatically due to feminist uprisings in pop culture, which encourages women to feel complete without. “You are enough!” and that’s it.

And I, the bemused maiden, find myself hanging in the middle, not knowing how to find that balance between the two ‘musts’ in a modern relationship — independence and emotional companionship.

And mind you, I am single, and I like this feeling of ‘not being answerable’ to any hot-shot who will call me up every afternoon after his nap is over, only to ask me who I just followed back on Instagram! Independence has always been my mantra…

But there are times when I feel like just curling up to a broad chested boy with an almost cracked up voice, only to smell his cologne from my shirt the next day.

The idea of independence contradicts my emotional needs. Or maybe, my idea of independence needs a new definition.

When a girl chooses to do something extraordinary (Eg. date without committing), she does, like it or not, become subject to criticism by the epitomes of conservative relationship experts, A.K.A Girls who have been in a stable relationship with a ‘package’ for over a year. And relax, I am not going to start off with another feminist rant. This is about something that comes after you have crossed the feminist bridge between independence and self acceptance, this is what I call — addressing the storm called confusion. I wish Confucius had written or said something wise about this, bleh, I don’t think Rhonda Byrnes can address this issue either… 

Anyway, the question I ask today is — How should I be absolutely happy ?

What is absolute happiness anyway ? It’s the opposite of relative happiness, which we experience after indulging in something short lived and immaterial — shoes, bags, even a new boy!

The truth is, it is very easy to address this issue and jump to a suitable conclusion, notwithstanding the dangling ‘truths’ and ‘experiences’ in the middle of this journey.

That is what I want to state — We are always stuck! And nothing seems to help!

Well, All I can say is that I am trying to find that ‘absolute happiness’ which comes without any terms and conditions. That category of happiness that is supposed to make me feel like a mermaid during a hurricane. Till then, Best of luck to you and me… We can only ask, and hope.

Love,

A confused maiden.

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