they have got all the capacity to ruin themselves

Posted by Jyoti Kumari
June 11, 2017

Self-Published

“From early childhood I have been talking to myself. Only I know about that. I have been telling stories, arguing, laughing with myself. I have learnt to enjoy myself. As I grew up, I grew aggressive and rebellious. But for the outside world I was always a quiet one, shy one, child like innocent. Inside my head I always thought that’s real me but somewhere I knew that isn’t me.

In my adolescent I grew more aggressive, I think that’s a common path which everyone walk once in their life. And everyone behave as I did but I never understood I am the youngest and everyone has already walked through here then why they ask me to act normal or expect me that I should be able to control myself? Never understood.
In making everyone happy and making sure no one has complains for me, I started controlling myself, my anger, my language while telling myself I should behave decently, I should do everything others tell me to do because they are elder and that they know better so stop asking why. I set a boundary for myself and never dared to cross it. Whenever dared, I got thrashed or terrified by elders. In terror I became strict on myself and cut myself from emotions and people who evoke emotions. 

As I entered in young adulthood, I had already mastered the art of hiding my true emotions and had completely became the person everyone wanted, smiling, laughing making everyone happy. Amidst all these events I didn’t stop talking to myself nor did I stop telling myself to stop expressing. I was the only secret holder of myself and still I am. Other reason why I keep things to myself are ‘people’. Yes, people. You know, they have lot to tell and less to listen. 

Staring at my scares (undoubtedly given by myself) I have realized something. I never learnt to control my anger, feelings, thoughts or beliefs with time instead what I learnt over time is to how to suppress it.
YES!! I have suppressed everything, I even suppressed my real self inside me. As a result, I have developed two personalities over time. And the second personality has also grown with time. One is a child like innocent and the other is a devil like furious and rebellious. ONE learnt to suppress and threw every emotions, anger and second thoughts in a dark pit thinking it will never come back while the other ONE living in same dark pit was consuming and growing on everything that was thrown towards it.

THAT–yes that–is–me–THE SECOND ME–THE DEVIL

That wild side has grown up into a devil. And now no bar can hold it. I cannot hold it–NOT ANYMORE. SOON–soon I am going to lose control. Soon the devil will be unleash and none will be able to held it in control.”

I wrote it few days ago when I was frustrate. These are the thoughts that I think I can only write and can’t explain. I don’t expect to understand but won’t it be great if people around would only take clue from my behaviour and try to understand and talk me out of it.  That’s how I feel. No, I am not alone who feel this way, I am no special and I was not born with it. There are dozen more people out there who are like me. I already know two more people.

Never seen them?

Ok. Then answer a quick question. How many times have you seen someone not being themselves? Many a time? Great.

And how many times have you NOTICED them not being themselves? Ever tried talking with them with a patience to hear without interrupting or giving your precious piece of advise (because they don’t need any)?

Try it. Try talking to that person when they behave weird than usual. They’ll first give you random convincing reasons and after a point they will break down. Right there, right then, hold that person and show them you are there for them. You’ve got their back. Do it if you care for them and do it if you’ve a little humanity left.

We just want to talk, we just want to release what we’ve suppressed inside of us. It’s just that. Once you help them release what’s inside of them, you’ll meet a whole new interesting person. A person you never knew exist. But if you didn’t then trust me when I say, they have got all the capacity to ruin themselves.

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