My Struggle for myself

Posted by Sushil Pillai
July 18, 2017


‘I am an aspiring filmmaker’ I always claimed about myself. The intimidation about failure never percolated over my desire. The day which undermined my intensive belief of being a passionate rational human being was during my graduation. I felt as if every hour was meant to denigrate mine mind. Those who trivialize their health gain solutions because they see their body, nobody thinks inwardly. Perhaps that’s why I never considered those hours. 

I was in the final year doing media studies. I questioned for about two years trying to confirm whether I was alright. Eventually, an echo approached me. I decided to leave the college and stay with myself, spend time with myself and be myself.  The awfulness of your helplessness in getting out of the indecisive situation becomes more complicated when there’s no one around you. I cried in front of my family explaining and expressing how unfit I am.  They held my hands and said, ‘It’s common’. I screamed, ‘I am mentally ill’. They didn’t believe. I told them, I cry during nights, I fell asleep in days, moreover, I pretend that I am alright. When I completed my part of uninterrupted speech, they agreed with me in pain and despair which was related to my academic impact. Nobody could believe, ‘Leaving the college before 5 months of its completion is ridiculous, nobody does that, all you need is some determination’.  

The awareness among the middle-class society regarding mental health is merely a point. Those who suffer depression, anxiety or stress has to embrace the disturbance if the society doesn’t recognize it. Few even preach about embracing its ability to boost your endurance. At some point, you ensconce yourself and fancy about being alright. I too did the same. It’s so important that you ensure your mind feels good; because that is what makes you feel good.

Eight months have passed since the incident, My family and I have never talked about it. They say I’ll regret it afterward.  Nobody believes that I really had some kind of depression. I had to fight it myself. At the time when I was suffering few held me, snuggled me and understood me. I don’t claim that what I went through was an enormous effort, but, it was really hard. there might be hundreds around me depressed but I wonder may be they are not realizing it.

Visiting a Psychologist or a psychiatrist isn’t a big deal. The society where I come from considers it so. To speak out under such an enigma is imperative because you are doing it to ensure yourself. The empathy among our surrounding is therefore rather necessary, Apathy has already established itself.

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