These days, wherever I go, people ask me questions like, “Why are you so silent?”, “Why don’t you say anything?” and “Have you forgotten how to speak?”
To such questions, I have blunt answers like, “I prefer to just listen,” to which they reply, “But you should have a voice of your own. Try to speak sometimes.”
And the more questions they ask, the more it makes me hold back my thoughts even when I have something to say. The more they comment and suggest, the more they make me feel uncomfortable, insecure and incompetent deep down. I have lost my voice because no matter what I do or say, I see no sign of approval. I feel suffocated.
Such is the level of my anxiety that in an attempt to avoid saying anything wrong, I end up saying nothing at all. Or worse, I end up saying something meaningless or embarrassing. So, I shut myself off. They can’t force anything out of me.
If they don’t make an issue out of my silence and just leave me in my own space, maybe they can hope to get some response out of me.
I am scared of attention unless it is little in amount and I am assured it’s positive. For I am an extremely insecure person and what they need to understand is that constant coaxing will do more harm than good.
Yes, I am an introvert. I don’t like to interact with people much. I hardly post status updates on Facebook or Twitter, or anywhere else for that matter. I am not comfortable with people, or fame, and I shy away from group discussions or even family gatherings.
I am awkward with people. I’m a loner, a person with zero adversity quotient. They say this is a completely unfit social attitude, which makes me feel like I have stepped into the wrong place.
I find waving and fake-smiling at people or doing small talk with them in the hallway or down the street really tiring, but do it anyway because they say not doing so makes me appear rude and unapproachable. They say we humans are social animals, we depend on each other, and we need people at every stage of our lives. I say, whenever I have faced a down-curve in my life and have felt like needing people, more often than not, those by my side have been my parents and a few really close friends. Not the people I force myself to wave at and smile. Then what’s the need? This thought may appear abrupt to some, but this is the way I think.
I have a very small circle of friends who I am comfortable with and really care about. Instead of going to a social gathering, I would rather sit in the balcony at midnight with the one person I am close to and talk about life at length. They say just talking philosophy bears no fruits. Neither does staring at stars or enjoying the breeze and the silence of the night for long hours. But then, neither does dancing all night and shouting at the top of your voice until your throat hurts.
Besides, what they need to understand is all of us have different definitions of what we call fun or happiness. Like everybody else, I am entitled to my own definition.
I am extremely choosy when it comes to people and more often than not, I prefer being around only a limited few. In fact, sometimes I need to be around no one but myself. I do open up to people. It just takes the right kind of people, those who would actually care to listen, to invest their time and especially people I happen to click with.
I am not at all a person possessing worldly wisdom or any kind of wisdom for that matter. But I believe I’ll grow and know stuff with time and experiences as I go along with my life.
I am just an introvert, trying to express myself. And since I am not courageous enough to open up, I fail even before I try.
This is another attempt at self-expression, through the only mode I am comfortable with. I hope they understand this time.