The kinky asexual virgin polyamorous Delhi girl with the highest libido and loudest orgasms any of her boyfriends had ever heard.
Uncomfortable, are you? Too much contradiction in one sentence? All too real, though. Let me explain. More often than not, we assume one’s sexual identity to be entirely encompassed by their sexual orientation, which is far from how sexuality really operates. When we hear the phrase “gay man” we assume everything else about his sexuality from that, even though it’s really just one component of this vast territory. Similarly, when we hear “asexual woman”, we ‘logically’ deduce how she must never desire sex, have sex, enjoy sex, seek sex, or like sex — each of which can function completely independently of each other.
I know this girl personally, and rather closely. She was one of the reasons I really ventured into the subject of asexuality and am today doing the work that I do. She enjoys BDSM, erotica, porn, masturbates often, gets aroused easily, and can have loud multiple orgasms that could send a crack up a wall. Yet, she is asexual. Yet, she has never had penetrative sex. The contradictions you sense in this story are actually the beautiful nuances of how sexuality works and plays hide and seek.
Many of us have all our lovely sexual traits rather aligned in one direction. It’s up for debate if things would be the same had our society been accepting, but let’s leave that for another story. Having no exposure to any or enough such conflicts leaves us believing that people like my friend don’t exist.
The truth however is that many gay women never have sex with other women, and many who do might not really be gay at all. The truth is that an asexual woman can have a higher sexual libido than her straight boyfriend. The truth is that a pansexual person can hate sex.
We discover many such nuances and explore our sexuality in the deepest detail during “Asexuality 101”, the workshops run by Indian Aces. The workshop series delves deeper into sexuality as a whole and helps participants understand concepts in greater detail. After a hugely successful first workshop in July, Indian Aces are doing their next on September 24 in New Delhi, and registrations are open! If you are a curious person, an LGBTQIA+ person, activist, ally, a mental health professional, or a research student, there’s loads to learn. So come for an afternoon of discovery and games!