Hating and loving the same person is like dieing very single day.
Hiting the person you love the most in the world and crying after it is HARD So hard that you feel you have died every time you hit him. You hate your self to the extend that you start harming your self. You have made that person cry and feel the pain of the scars you have given him.
And when that person is nobody but your father,
The man who made you see the world, the man you love the most .
The guilt you feel, the depression you are in and you know this is your very end.