alone or independent?

Posted by Nilima Jangam
September 10, 2017

NOTE: This post has been self-published by the author. Anyone can write on Youth Ki Awaaz.

There was time when I used to have a crowd around me. And I did enjoy with them without showing those painful feelings and hard times of my life. Hiding the sad part of life has always been my first priority. But at some point I broke and took some decisions which changed not only my life but also the lives around me. I will never call that decision my mistake but me breaking down at that point was a mistake. The mistake and the decision taken after that was a horrible thing. Everyone was happy by that decision specially “HE”. “Decision taken on temporary feelings is never a wise one”, I realised this after facing the consequences after seven months. Taking that decision was never a mistake but things I did with him were. As soon as I realised I took a step forward to correct that decision. I did have chance to continue with the decision but my values didn’t allow me to do so. And when I corrected the earlier decision I cut that “SPECIAL” strings with him. He was broken as everything. It’s not possible to describe his pain in words. Though he never shared his feelings with anyone I saw that pain in his eyes, every time I meet him. Some people called that step a bold one and supported me. And there also I saw two faces of one person.

I blocked those “SPECIAL” strings with him and wished to continue “FRIENDSHIP”. It was weird for demanding even after the things I did with him. We continued our friendship, obviously it was a never the same one. But discontinuing the “relationship” with him made people to break their bonds with me. Everyone did speak with me but I never felt the connection as before. I saw the betrayal in their eyes for me. I couldn’t imagine the things they must have spoken about me. It was hard for me to understand their hatred for me. I just wanted them to understand my point of view. I wish they could see my pain. I was the culprit in front of society and still I was expecting them to see the victim in me. I never bothered to prove my side because I knew it is not going to change the things. And I was ready to face the punishment. I had a thought about “THE CROWD” around me before taking the decision, it did scare me to the death still I did not back off. I knew I am not wrong this time. Still some point I wonder what if they can empathize me? What will happen if they really support me without uttering a single word behind me? Well, that’s just a thought! I know no one will see that because once you are the criminal no one wants to know your story behind it. I accepted that fact.

After all this things today I am weaker than ever. I feel left out. I see everyone ignoring me. Most of the times I decide to shut my mouth and keep it to me but once again I was devastated but this time I chose not to break in front of him or someone else. And this breaking point is going to change everything. I want to be independent. I know it is not easy but not impossible. Now whenever I feel alone, I choose to work on things which can distract my heart. I have decided not to make heart dominant over mind. This point of my life left me with two choices, either be alone but the real me or be with everyone and fake it up. And I choose to be the real me because that is going to help me growing independent and strong. I can’t see people ignoring me but I don’t want to run behind them to know my mistakes or to apologies for something they are not even bothered to tell me. I know this is hard. But yes I am going to do and I know I can. On the other side I am going to miss some moments of partying, roaming around, gossiping and enjoying but then I realize my destination is something different and may be much more than everyone else’s is. The little one inside me always has a doubt and this time the question was, what about enjoying your life? And I replied I am enjoying life with the work I love and the part of enjoyment with people, then I know one day I will meet people with the same frequency as mine. And throughout all this times I have learnt one thing, whatever problems I am facing now are nothing comparing the problems in future. Because when I turn back to the past I laugh on the mistakes and problems I faced that time. So it’s better not to think too much about the problems but the solutions to overcome the tragedies!

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