It has been 15 years since we first saw each other and five years since we became husband and wife. The wedding was perfect, the red lehenga, the flowers, the romantic moment when he applies sindoor on your forehead and you live your Yash Raj moment. Wedding goals accomplished. The drama pre wedding was not because I wanted a Sabyasachi lehenga; it was because he wanted me to change my surname to his. I was like, “Who the hell are you? What did you do to my progressive boyfriend?” Three days and a few fights later he agreed it was an expectation that even he didn’t know he had. I got my cool boyfriend back and I went on to have a traditional wedding. He dare not bring up the fact that I was selectively modern, considering I forced him into more than half the ritual drama.
Feminism or tradition?
On the one hand you understand the notion of feminism, equality and on the other hand you want a Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet. It’s like you are a schizophrenic personality.
There is a reason Ekta Kapoor is still in business.
The strong male chauvinistic man who you deride in parties sets your temperature soaring in the privacy of your bedroom.
Perhaps it’s time that we wake up and smell the gin. Today’s woman is a complex animal, a puzzle that perhaps she herself don’t know how to solve. Take me for example. I love the fact that I can choose not to work, because the husband brings home the bread. My days are spent writing, which does nothing to our bank balance, but the moment he cribs about the slightly unkempt house there is World War III, my feminist ego is hurt.
Not fair at all, and somewhere I get that, hence instead of a week of sulking I bring it down to a day. Now no sulking at all would open a Pandora’s box of expectation that you wouldn’t want. Now, would you?
What do we really want?
How many of us accept the fact that what we want from a man is something we ourselves don’t know. Do you want him to be the man who takes control and tells you what to do? Well, that is hot only to a point and then gets irritating. Or you want a man who respects you and believes in equality, but that soon gets boring, because you are conditioned to be attracted to a man in charge.
Where do you draw the line, how do you meander through your complex, sometimes completely inappropriate feelings? Every one of us has at some point wanted a man to grab us and ravish us. No thanks to the million Mills and Boons you have read. But if it does happen, there is no guarantee you will enjoy it. Most likely your contemporary self will be super offended and you will end up labeling the man as a Male Chauvinistic inconsiderate Pig.
The point is, if you don’t know you, how do you expect the poor man to know what to do?
Find yourself first
Half your lifetime is spent in trying to play a boxing match with these feelings and sometimes the fights get so out of hand that you even forget what was wrong in the first place. What you are left with is just hurt and resentment, which you obviously always blame on the guy.
Is there a silver lining to this story? Yes, there always is, and it always starts with you. I may sound like a regressive old 18th century aunt, but trust me, ultimately happiness is a chemical secretion that starts from a guy and usually ends with one too. What you need to find out is, what is fact and what is fiction in your fairy-tale romance. Men are not at all complex creatures. You will be amazed how well they follow instructions. All you need to do is first find the way to your emotional G spot and then just draw him a map.
This article was first written by Madhurima Naidu for Bonobology.com.