Dear Bestie: Sorry I failed miserably

Posted by Hardik Lashkari
September 13, 2017

NOTE: This post has been self-published by the author. Anyone can write on Youth Ki Awaaz.

Time in my mobile phone has just changed from 00.59 AM to 1 AM as I am sitting on my terrace busy thinking something deep. Cool wind is blowing past my ears, but the hot coffee mug in my left hand is balancing the situation.

My habit of continuously shaking up my right leg is tempting my chair to move continuously due to which the laptop laying in my lap is also dancing in the same motion.

In front of me is the Gadh Ganesh temple, lighting up in yellowish colour and giving a soothing view in the full moon night. A little bulb lighting just above me on my terrace is acting as my only supporter, supporting me to think something and write my heart out.

I can hear the sound of the guard knocking the road with his stick and whistling his whistle to protect the street. But it isn’t doing much – except that whenever he is around my house, I come back to senses, and again go back to the world as the sound disappears slowly.

But what am I lost in?

I am writer. I write day and out. Sometimes, I write for money, otherwise I write for myself. Many a times, I write technical articles, but on some days, I just write something on love or social issues.

Amidst all this, have I ever realised what is the most difficult thing to write? Isn’t it a technical topic?

The most difficult thing to write is to confess your feelings and give it a form of writeup – no, writing love feelings isn’t so difficult – writers are probably the best lovers of the world. What is difficult is to confess your feelings and show your love for ‘her’ – your female best friend.

Your lover will read your love letters, she will also judge it, but the problem with female bestie is that she may read it or not, and even if she reads, she wouldn’t notice my feelings attached with that letter.

I won’t able to sum up my feelings for her – the importance of her in my life in few words. Every time I try so, I’ll fail miserably. Because no words can define the place that she holds in my life, and the importance that she enjoys in inner me.

Because, I’ll never be able to sum in words that she is undoubtedly the most sweet girl I have ever met in my life.

Because, she’ll never understand that I enjoy her company the most – no, I enjoy only her company the most.

Because, together we’ll never be able to realise how important she has been to me, and what all she add-ons to my life.

I don’t know if I enjoy the same place and importance in her life – but irony, it matters to me the least. As long as she is with me, and she keeps talking to me, it hardly cares if I am her best friend or just one of her friends.

Oh! She has been my friend for last 4 years now. Why didn’t I think this all before?

Because, you confess your feelings only when you realise that the person may not be longer be with you. Or maybe you are afraid of losing her soon. Or maybe you feel that their interference in your life may soon vanish and you both may never be same as before, you starting pouring your heart, in a hope that may be she reads and stay, maybe she remains same as she was earlier and may be you can save your friendship with her.

Yes, she has been my soulmate, my best companion, a girl who has always made me smile whenever I forgot what smile was, my lucky mascot, a person who has always taught me how to live life freely and a girl who has been synonym to beauty and innocence.

Yes, she may talk to me in night because she feels bored or doesn’t have any one to talk to; yes we both may understand each other only because even two strangers get to know each other during a journey, yes I may not be someone to whom she pours her heart out whenever she speaks, still my bond with her is beyond all this……at least from my side.

No, we don’t hang out daily, no, we don’t meet so often, at times we may not talk for even couple of months and we may not be like those who can understand each other even if silent, her importance in my life remains static.

The friendship of last 4 years has seen numerous irresistible PJs (yes I resist them somehow), uncountable chit chats, few fights, some misunderstandings, several months of no contact and several formal phases, but it has never been so fearful of losing her, that I think now.

I know you would talk to all others like you talk to me, you may smile in a similar fashion with anybody else too, you might have more close friends than me, you might have better close friends than me, we may not be secret-keepers of each other, we may not be the best of friends, we may not be someone to bank upon in crisis, but here I am, telling you publicly that you’ll undoubtedly be the closest girl to me and your place in my life would always be incomparable to any other person that I’ll ever come in contact with.

Yes, even after writing so much, I would still say that I failed miserably – failed in expressing how much I care for her, and how much do I respect her – failed in telling her that she undoubtedly has the most nicest of hearts and failed in asking if I could beg even a small place in that nice heart.

No, these aren’t cheesy lines, just because I am writing my heart out, don’t even think that I am adding layers of butter to my words, these are true and will always be. Even if you don’t exist in my life any more, or even if I don’t exist here in the world anymore, I’ll always keep saying just one thing for what all you have added up to my life –  A BIG THANK YOU! You are a gem of a girl, somebody who can make any person a lucky person. Thanks for making me your friend!

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