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Am I Born or Dead

Posted by shweta Khare
October 26, 2017

NOTE: This post has been self-published by the author. Anyone can write on Youth Ki Awaaz.

Everyone has a right to live and learn but the society has made my tribe weak with the torture and she is just learning to live. Here’s what my “gulabi tribe”wants to convey to every individual in the society that questions her presence.
In the ray of a flash light I can see myself lying on the death -bed. It’s difficult to see my own body in such a pain, but I feel relieved when I see my eyes closed. I feel peaceful as they (my eyes) cannot see the damage I went through. Those little globular organs couldn’t bear the pain my body went through. And the water from those balls in form of tears wash out the dirt I was gifted with.
I was born and instead of celeberation everyone mourned because I was a girl child. I escaped death because at the time my family came to know about me being a female it was too late. I was already 5months old fetus. There was no option for me but to be born. I was brought up with the last best things of this world.
Years passed and i took my form of a plum but pretty girl at an age of 8. But, I wasn’t ever pampered for that. People starred and glared me as if I was toy to play. Yes, and I was played. I never knew that it was not just a game. So, I became a part of it over and over again.Crumbled with my pain in my heart I never uttered a word.
I was just 16 , when I complained being abused by a family person repeatedly.But,my family pour me in the well of marriage like an empty bucket which was hung by a rope of avoidance and neglect. I still survived the pain and managed to be a part of a new family. I thought I would be out of the trauma and be saved from what I was going through but I didn’t knew I had entered a new phase of struggle.I realised that I have been caged in “child marriage”. Sexual Abuse was a physical and mental damage to me. But, this time it hit my soul. I was raped as a teenager by the head of the new family!

My heart sank as if there was no blood running in my veins. At that bitter stage I tried to put my words infront of all but I was thrown out as I was pregnant. The new family did not accept the child in my womb as I had the black patch on me of being “raped”. I had a responsibility on me but no shelter. Moving out I decided to earn some money and feed the innocent I carried. Education always glittered my eyes but destiny never allowed me to be a part of it. I saved and followed my heart to study again.

Studying is passion but for only those who fall under the conditions of being clean and discipline in our society. I could see myself piled with infinite dirt which stuck on me like a magnet. Only one thing in me that was a life ready to take birth kept me going until one day. I was bullied and made fun of my being pregnant at such a young age. My soul ,mind and heart all were bruised. My passion to live died and I took a step ahead to put an end to it. Suicide was the only way out. I jumped of the roof of my college. There I was with a question…born or dead?

Every time women is questioned and the answer is received only when she turns into ashes. How many times will she be sacrificed for the curse of the society? Let’s stand out and shout out for this beautiful creation that deserves respect and above that a space in our hearts. Stop raping them,abusing them and stop killing them. Help our “gulabi tribe” enjoy the journey from her birth till her death.

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