The year was 2010. I had just passed out of my high school and had enrolled as a commerce student. Struggling with accounts and economic concepts, my life was about to see the biggest challenge it has faced till date – a marriage proposal.
Yes, my parents received an untimely marriage proposal for me. And guess what? It was from the boy who was my father’s favourite since childhood. My parents started convincing me. The first condition was that I could marry whenever I wished to. It could be after my graduation or after I became ‘stable’ with a job.
But I did not want to get married to this ‘papa mummy ka favourite ladka’. I was already in a relationship with someone. And so I mustered some courage and went to disclose this relationship to my mother. “I already love someone.” Having said this, I was grounded for the next one year. My cellphone was taken and I was prohibited to go anywhere except college.
My mother called my boyfriend and requested him to never call me again. My world was shaken.
With an angry family and a boyfriend I could not contact, the situation kept getting tougher. My parents were adamant that saying ‘yes’ to their favourite boy was the right choice for me.
On the other hand, my boyfriend maintained a distance from me. I don’t blame him. He was adhering to my mother’s request. All through this time, from losing touch with my family to figuring out what was happening to my boyfriend, I was feeling lost.
I could not concentrate on any word I heard in class. I did not want to go out with my friends or have fun like them. My appetite went down with time. I would get angry for nothing and cry at the smallest issues. There were days when I cried every hour. I would walk aimlessly on the road for hours.
And then, the final idea of killing myself and ending it once and for all hit me. I went to two medical shops and asked for a pack of sleeping medicines. I saw my brother buy a pack for our mother, every day. It seemed possible.
But it wasn’t. My brother always had a doctor’s prescription with him – I didn’t.
Both the shop’s owners refused me. I came back home with a heavy heart, but with a new idea – hanging myself. I waited for a suitable day when the house was empty. That day finally came.
Everything was done – from tying a dupatta on the fan to my last note. I was shivering – and just then, the door-bell rang. I could hear my friends calling out my name. I could not die!
I continued to live in depression, slowly cutting myself off from everyone. I would cry myself to sleep. A few times, I even tied a stole around my neck to choke myself to death.
After a few months, I lay on bed with an acute infection. My body refused to accept anything, including water. I saw my parents crying.
We saw a couple of doctors to find the right treatment for me. This doctor also told my mother that I had severe anxiety. During my ailment, my mother and I established a new bond.
Today, here I am – typing the saddest moment of my lives. As they say, everything has an ending. So did my depression. Things took time to settle. But eventually they did. The only things that kept me going through this time were my friends.
There are times when everything goes wrong, but it’s crucial to pour your heart out to someone.
This is to everyone who has faced or is still facing thoughts of suicide. You just need to trust yourself! No one else except you can fix it. Tell your friends what is bothering you and believe in yourself. At the end, nothing in the world is worth your life. Stay patient. Breathe.
Featured image used for representative purposes only.