I had never thought that there would be a life in which you actually don’t appreciate its presence. No, I am not being pessimistic. I am one of the people who takes everything, the worst of her experiences in life, positively. But there are times when you just don’t have the strength to be positive or negative. You just don’t want to exist. You may be wondering, either she has lost a loved one, or she has had a breakup, a failure in career or a small fight with her boyfriend. But no. My life is completely perfect, with many more loved ones that anyone can have. I am lucky to have got the life I have. I thank God everyday for sending the people I have here, even if he takes back some of them from time to time.
Depression and anxiety disorder together is the most interesting combination that can be formed. They come with a purpose of draining your entire body leaving you numb, helpless and guilty. You can’t talk to anyone, however hard you try. Because there are no words to explain this out of nowhere sorrow which is so extreme that you can even think if ending your life. There are no words to explain this fear of being alone. The fear of not being loved. The fear of being a burden on the ones you love. You want someone to hug you, and keep hugging you until this couple leaves you alone. And the irony is, when this couple goed, only to come back after sometime, you start missing them.
Being happy and joyful seems to be a gift and something out of this world. You make everything larger than life, your studies, your love, your friends, your partner, so much so that it becomes too much for your loved ones to handle. And so you start suppressing yourself from expressive that larger than life love and happiness. And now you are left with a state of mind which does not belong to you. Your mind wants things to be extreme, and this quarrel welcomes the couple again, sending you back to the phase where you are worthless and paralysed.
It’s not your choice, and you really can’t get out of it just like that. You just need more and more people to understand you. That is all.