Dear Online Abuser, I’m Taking Back My Innocence

Posted by Purnima Shushama Sharma in #NoPlace4Hate, Society
October 5, 2017
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Note: I am going to write ” ze” instead of he or she. Ze is the unisex word for s(he) or he/she.

Dear Ze’s everywhere,

It pissed me off that you think that you can talk to me like you do. That you can just show up to me saying “I will fuck you” sitting at ease behind you laptop. Every time I say “Stop, shut up,” you decide to pester me 923 times more.

Why do you think that this little juvenile stunt should be very ordinary? That I should gulp it like water. You want me to ignore it and move past it right? But do you see, talking like that to anyone even after getting warned about is classed online sexual harassment and that sort of shit should not be ignored?

I realised it, sitting at my desk, reading texts that I’ll never accept and wouldn’t want to forgive. According to you, I liked it. I LIKED IT? Again, I don’t have any words for these feelings.

Sometimes I think that if I hadn’t met you, then this never would’ve happened. It has distorted me, damaged me. I technically could not prove ‘every time’ that it was unwanted. It literally broke me. My respect for self. The harassment had been so clear, but instead, I will be asked,“Do you remember silencing it?”

I don’t sleep when I think about the way it had been. Why did I control myself? For a friend like that? That’s what you’ll never have a good answer for.

Ze has done irreversible damage to me. I tried stepping out of the comfort zone just to get exploited. I just don’t even know what I am gonna say to him anymore. I wish for everyone’s good but I am sure you already know, how shitty you made me feel. I know, you don’t care, but I am almost positive you don’t care because you are such a selfish person. One of the most selfish people I have ever met in my entire life.

If I could meet my 20-year-old self and pause time, I would ensure not slipping my dignity or a strand of me in your court, thinking of you as a friend. You don’t even understand what a “NO” means. Mercy on you because you didn’t have the guts to be a soul to me, and I wish that I didn’t in that moment care about you, your health, your career, your happiness and your pretty laugh. I never cried but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt. I wish I would have continued to fight and I wish I would name you all over the internet and the news so that you could feel half as shitty as I did.

It had been almost a year and I have grown so much as a person. I am able to influence and lift others up, encourage them that helps me almost not be mad at you. This is me, me forgiving you. This is not me saying that what you did is okay, but this is saying that I am not gonna let it control me anymore.

I don’t need to care about you and your connections with me. You can’t victimise me anymore. You hurt me tremendously, I can’t even tell you how much. I am only gonna put my energy out into the world and I’m only gonna nurture people, help them, love them unlike you. Unlike what you did with me when you went around destroying the pretty cosmic relationship we had.

You can’t hold me down like that. And you can’t steal anything from me anymore.

I am taking back my innocence, my happiness and my stability which I shared with you once upon a time. The entire world, it’s mine to keep. I am back to my place.Thank you for the experiment.

Yes, so I forgive you. I’ll never forget but I forgive you, not for you but for me so I don’t know, have a nice life.

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