What abuse has done to me…
I’ve hurt myself and hated myself thinking it was my fault. I thought it had to do with my age, level of maturity, shame and confusion about my sexuality, anger and the mental pain of having to live inside a shell made out of my own negativity. It was followed by bedwetting (which made me sick) and doubt myself.
Soon after my assault, at 15, I started to hate all men who looked similar to ‘him’. I judged every man around me and told myself that everyone wanted to hurt me. I knew it was absurd but I couldn’t stop until now.
I was abused ever since I can remember, so for me, love sometimes meant a sensual act. I became a girlfriend and a wife much before my adolescence. I never meant to hurt anyone on purpose, but I do regret the hurt I’ve given to people who didn’t deserve it. I justified everything by saying that for me, love meant the sensual emotions and that it wasn’t really sexual. I was being groomed in a way that sex became a part of my childhood, both intentionally and unintentionally.
I started wearing a bra when I was nine years old because my body always felt older than my mind. Some people even thought that I was an adult, even though I was a child going through early puberty. Growing up, I had no confidence at all. I always felt that I was being used.
I knew about sex at an age when other kids my age hadn’t even learned about their own bodies. Growing up, my only need was to be loved and appreciated.
Is that really too big of a wish to have?
Now I am older than my young broken self. Now my broken heart heals with ‘your’ broken heart. I only feeled when you show me love, appreciate me and treat me like a child. I am childish, but can’t people understand that I am just trying to move on from my broken childhood? I understand that it’s hard to treat me like a child, but I am somebody who got stuck between a broken soul and a sexually active body. I’ve felt so unloved and helpless throughout my life and the only love I knew was false.
I can’t handle my life if someone won’t appreciate me, love me and compliment me like you would to a young child. Some people treated me like their sex toy for supporting their filthy exhibitionism in exchange for so-called love.
When I was in class 10, I was walking to my tuition and somebody pushed me to the ground and I quickly froze. There was a strange touch which I was sure was bad and then I lost track of what happened. Next thing I know was that I was sitting with my teacher at the tuition. I still wonder if it was real or a nightmare in the middle of the day.
And, now I’m stuck. I know I get angry when you raise your voice because I feel that you are trying to dominate me. Many people have dominated me sexually and emotionally. I don’t know myself and neither do I trust myself. I feel that I can be fooled easily.
Whenever I feel that I’m being dominated, I start hating that person to the core. My mind thinks that it will be bad just like my past. I get offensive and agitated quickly. This is my defence mechanism. I should have shown this to my abuser. But since I couldn’t show this attitude in those situations, I started showing it to every person that I thought was trying to hurt me.
In this defensive mode, I would say and do anything to protect myself. I feel in control when I raise my voice and argue with them, just like my dad used to do to me. My parents physically abused me and punished me for the smallest mistakes.
My mom attempted to kill herself many times since she was mentally ill and I had to beg her to not jump into the well. It was traumatic when she told me that I was the reason behind her mental illness. I don’t know why she said that.
Am I really the cause behind my problems?
Sometimes I feel it’s all because I froze when I should have responded and couldn’t say ‘no’ at the right time.