It all started in January 2014 when I was preparing for my Higher Secondary Certificate (HSC) exams. When I look back now, it was probably the most horrible experience of my life.
I used to create situations in my mind and would tell myself that everything happening around me is wrong. I had a lot of negativity in my mind but never showed it to anyone. My parents didn’t know and neither did my friends. I suppressed my feelings and pretended to be happy.
I remember that I used to cry for at least four hours a day. I’d mostly do this at night or sometimes in the washroom during the day. I’d create situations in my head that would make me cry. Crying myself to sleep had become a daily ritual. I don’t remember a single day when I did not cry from January 2014 till mid-February 2014.
There was no purpose to life and one evening I wanted to take my life.
My parents would watch Kapil Sharma’s show and laugh at his jokes. I used to look at them and wonder why they’re laughing. Most of the times, I’d fake a laugh at the jokes but would just think about why I couldn’t laugh like my parents.
And since I wasn’t able to enjoy the moment, I’d go to the washroom and cry because I couldn’t laugh. Waking up in the morning was a challenge for me. I used to study a lot, just to keep my mind off of things and to keep it busy. I’d feel so empty and sad from within that I used to look for reasons to smile and to be happy and to live for the people who love me.
I would blame my sadness on my family problems or my failed relationship or my mother’s health and the fear of losing everything. I don’t really know what it was but it was like I wanted to be sad. I tried sharing a layer of my problems with my friends but I just couldn’t express myself properly to anyone. I still have a problem with expressing myself.
I want to thank my friends who made me feel okay in situations when I didn’t know how to function. However, in those days, I would only feel good when I was with them or maybe for the few hours when I’d speak to them. After a while, I would go back to the same zone of sadness again. My friends didn’t exactly know what was going on, maybe because I didn’t know either.
I kept telling my mind that I’m strong enough to handle this, but deep inside, I knew I needed help. I was vulnerable and didn’t know how to help myself to get all of this out of my system. For almost a year, I was sad and depressed. The sobbing had reduced. I had made myself so busy that when I lay in bed, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sometimes, I’d make my dad sit next to me and make him put his hand on my head so that I could sleep.
Eventually, that feeling faded away and I started to get back on my feet. There were many breakdowns and I was never completely happy, but I got through it.
I don’t understand why people feel embarrassed to accept that they are sad or depressed. I don’t know why I felt embarrassed. Why can’t we embrace it? Why can’t we share our feelings with our family and get help from a counsellor or be on medication? It’s a part of us and we need to accept it and deal with it. It’s okay to be vulnerable at times. I spent so many days of my precious life in sadness when I could have done something about it. We keep thinking that it will go away on its own, so we don’t take any action to heal ourselves.
It’s been more than two years since I’ve been over it and I’m happy and feel blessed today. But I’m also afraid of the fact that something might go wrong in life. And why wouldn’t it? Life is imperfect after all. But thankfully, I know what to do now and I can deal with it.