How I Learnt That It Was Perfectly OK To Not Want To Have Sex

By Anonymous:

“I’m sorry, I’m not interested.”

“It’s not you, it’ me.”

And, that is precisely how I describe myself. As a cisgender asexual person, my life so far has been an agglomeration of confusion, self-doubt, self-hatred, bouts of short-lived (often unattended to) depression, and unsolicited advice for recovery and improvement. To provide a clearer picture, it must be mentioned that I have been single (in the absolute sense) since birth.

I have always had difficulties in understanding relationships, not because I was discouraged or sceptical; I failed to trace the dynamics that might have been operational in the conception and survival of the same. My friends would tell you I was “retarded”, or poor in the head, or make some similar derogatory comments, questioning my intellectual faculty. I dealt with that.

Sex was always scary. Yes, scary, discomforting, devilish. But, that could probably be owed to a strict missionary school upbringing. But, college was different; here lay all the liberty, all the freedom, all the spirit, all the drunkenness, all the madness. Why then, was I still averse to sex, or relationships? Why was even the thought of being in bed with the guy friend I had a crush on, or being in a relationship with him discomforting?! I had no answer. “This is a problem that I have and I need to be fixed!”, I thought.

In June 2017, while reading an article on how Sherlock Holmes was painted as being asexual by Sir Doyle (on a Cumberbatch fan page on Facebook), I happened upon another article on Youth Ki Awaaz.

Hey!” I thought as I looked at the list of basic features of asexuality as identified by research – “that sounds totally like me!” It isn’t a problem, I understood, it’s an orientation. I don’t need fixing, I need to take cognizance of my orientation and be proud of my identity. I finally know who I am, where I belong, what I like, what I dislike.

I don’t owe an answer to anyone for being what I am. I’m not accountable of having to ‘prove’ my orientation. In a world where sex is treated like a ‘dirty secret’, I’m gladly out of the frame.

Mine is an orientation defined by the lack of sexual desires, of attraction. And, in a movement whose cornerstone is the assertion of free right to sexuality, my struggle consists of efforts to define a dignified position for all the aces out there, whose sexuality is marked by the very lack of it.

Queer Pride has paved for me the road to self-love, of self-exaltation, and pride. As a proud Ace, I pledge to strive towards an egalitarian society, a world that comprehends the music of love. I shall go through fire for all those who battle for love. I shall stand by them till the end. Sometimes you need to wage a war only to make people realise the value of love!

What are your experiences of being queer, and tackling heteronormativity?

Email us your Pride stories at You may choose to write under a pseudonym!

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