Sitting at my college cafeteria, I quickly went through the menu as I tried hard to decide what to order. Suddenly, I realised that I wasn’t paying any attention . My mind was completely preoccupied.
That morning, our Head of Department (HOD) had announced that there was a symposium to be conducted in our college and anyone with a GPA of 8 and above could apply. My GPA was 7.8. I was exasperated. I really wanted to participate in the symposium. As I casually mentioned about how disappointed I was to my friends, they immediately encouraged me to speak to my HOD.
But, I was scared. Being someone who could stand on a stage and deliver a presentation without any hiccups to a hall of hundred people, I was genuinely scared out of my wits. I was scared of asking. Or was it fear of rejection?
What if he carelessly dismisses me by mentioning my low GPA? Will he allow me to go? Or would he be annoyed by my guts? I cringed at the thought of being looked upon by him. That’s when something inside me whispered ‘go for it’.
And so I did.
As I walked up the stairs, for every step that I took made me desperately want to turn around and run away. After all, he had clearly stated that I needed to have a GPA above eight. But nevertheless, I dragged myself up towards his room. I was first going to tell him about all the previous symposiums I had attended and the prizes I had won and then ask him if I could participate. Surely he would let me go. I was confident.
There he was, standing outside his room. My stomach churned. The feeling was back. I was nervous again. I looked at his face desperately trying to figure out if he was in a good mood at that moment. I slowly walked towards him. He turned towards me. His eyes met mine and I quickly blurted out, “Good morning, sir” and walked past him without looking back.
Two years later, I still can’t help but wonder what his answer would have been. Would he have let me go? Or would he have dismissed me, proving what I had feared the most?
Throughout our lives, many of us go through such incidents where we are completely unsure of ourselves with no idea about what to do. We are continuously riddled by self doubts and daunting questions and an uncontrollable stream of thoughts within our heads.
While some eventually get over it, most of us are stuck in a never-ending loop where every single day is a struggle. For a person like me who has been struggling with anxiety for a major part of my life, every single day is nothing but a roller coaster ride through periods of great confidence and sudden bouts extreme paranoia.
While one moment can be totally exhilarating another moment can be completely exhausting.
Our minds are constantly troubled with every possible negative outcomes to every problem in our life. Sometimes even the simplest and mundane tasks become very difficult to perform and somewhere along the path we end up completely losing ourselves to self doubt and are left to cope with extremely low self esteem and self worth.
Now some of you might be thinking by now, this doesn’t sound like the symptoms of anxiety. Isn’t anxiety more serious than that?
Well anxiety is something that stems when you face rejection or are made to feel that your words and feelings are not valued. Every time a person loses their voice, they lose a bit of their self worth along with it. Though there are many other reasons that also contribute to depression and anxiety, lack of self awareness is at the core of all mental health issues.
I would like everyone to know that anxiety and depression are serious issues, but it’s not like how they are projected in mainstream media. No one is a raging maniac, nor do we have our problems written all over our faces. Most of us can go on with our lives like everything is normal, and still can be battling inside with our worst demons.
The only way you can know is by talking and listening to us. If you are someone who is battling with anxiety or depression please do talk about it. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, you might even be surprised by the amount of care and support that you receive from your loved ones.