This post has been self-published on Youth Ki Awaaz by #Write4Pride Campaign by Delhi University Queer Collective. Just like them, anyone can publish on Youth Ki Awaaz.

Not A Happy Gay Story: Why I Wish I Had Never Come Out

More from #Write4Pride Campaign by Delhi University Queer Collective

By Anonymous:

I was in the second year of college when I finally told my best friend, “I think I like women, not men.” I was in her room for the weekly sleep-over, and we were in midst of our late-night conversations.

She laughed, “You are joking.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You mean, you are a LESBIAN? OMG!”

I changed the topic and we talked about a few more things before going to sleep. I cried myself to sleep, all the while making sure that she didn’t hear a sound.

In the morning when I was about to leave, she asked, “Woh raat me jo bol rahi thi tum, kisi aur ko bhi bola hai kya? Chii yaar, log sochenge ki humdono ke bich bhi waisa hi kuch hai. Chii chii (The thing you were saying at night – have you said that to others too? Shame, my friend – people will now think we share a relationship like that. Shame, shame)!”

We hugged for a fraction of a second with minimum contact, unlike our usual long panda hugs – and I left with tears welling up in my eyes.

A year has passed since that night. Most people who know me know of my sexual orientation. And I have had the ‘luxury’ of many similar experiences. Some of the remarks which were thrown at me are as follows:

“X (the name of my last boyfriend) tumhe khush nahi kar paya hoga. Ha ha (X must not have been able to keep you happy. Ha ha),” a guy once said.

“Mai to normal hu, tum apna chance kahin aur maaro (I am normal, try your luck elsewhere),” said a woman with whom I was working on a project. This was in reply to my “wow. I love you. This is great,” when I saw her work on our project.

“Don’t get me wrong, I support homosexuality. But I was wondering ki kya tumhare sath bachpan me kuch bura hua tha? Maine suna hai tabhi log aise ho jate hain (Don’t get me wrong, I support homosexuality. But I was wondering if something bad had happened to you in your childhood. I have heard that people become like this after such incidents).”

“Tumko abhi tak koi dhang ka ladka nahi mila re (You haven’t scored a guy of some worth, have you)… ”

“Jyada chipko mat, mai waisi ladki nahi hu. Ha ha (Don’t stick to me – I am not that type of girl. Ha ha).”

Most of these people are progressive – or at least, they claim to be. They go to the Pride – all dressed up, click selfies and put them on Facebook. They go “awww…” on seeing a cute white lesbian couple’s photo on the internet. They will like your post on queer love, and will probably type a long comment stating that they support homosexuality. They are ‘cool, liberal’ people.

One night, some of us were partying at a friend’s place. People were drinking and dancing downstairs – and I was there on the terrace, alone, looking at the moon, basking in its glory. Suddenly, someone came from behind, held me tightly and started rubbing his penis on my ass. Trying to force his hands into my panties, he whispered this in my ears, “Ashish (our mutual friend) kehta hai ki tu ladkiyon se chudwati hai! Ha ha!! Humlog marr gaye hain kya? Ek baar mujhse chudwa lo jaaneman, saaton janam mera hi naam leti rehogi (Ashish tells me that you get fucked by girls! Ha ha! Have all the men died? Why don’t you let me fuck you once, jaaneman, you’ll be screaming my name for 7 lives)!”

I somehow managed to escape his clutches that night – maybe because I was sober and he wasn’t. Or at least that is what I tell myself – because even today, I shudder at the thought of what more would have happened had I not escaped his grip. I frequently have nightmares where I hear the same words “ek baar mujhse chudwa lo jaaneman” and wake up trembling in the middle of the night.

And it is in those extremely lonely and disturbing moments that I wish I had never come out. I wish I were a ‘normal’ woman. I wish I could go back in time and change the events. Not because I’m ashamed of being queer, but because life as a queer person is so difficult in this society that I feel like giving up entirely.

Sorry – this is not a happy, gay story. Not sorry if you were looking for one!

What are your experiences of being queer, and tackling heteronormativity?

Email us your Pride stories at You may choose to write under a pseudonym!


Featured image source: Coming Out by Arjun Kamath/YouTube
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An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

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A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

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