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Changes Aren’t Good

Posted by Pranav Ganjoo
December 10, 2017

It wasnt for a girl or my friends not for my family…and the worst..not even for myself. It just happened. Who was i and why i needed to change myself? “Who was i” was one question that i was trying to answer since i was 11, still couldnt find a suitable answer. Why, well, arent changes good? Sometimes they are, but mine…it wasnt. I changed myself from a happy person to the one who is depressed, sad, judging, blaming, crying, trying, falling, spliting and dying. There are some days when you just dont feel like living anymore! You wish death to come next second and take you away..away to that paradise. And this feeling is completely internal! No external force makes you think so..inside you dont feel the same, your bones start shivering, you can hear your soul scream, your heart just sinking in..deep in and you lying on the bed..crouching yourself..hiding in the dark. This time you dont have anyone to talk to. I made mistakes in life, everyone does that! Dont they? But some of them..they just had better of me. I wasnt forced for choosing engineering..nor my parents had that dream but i was pushed because of the trend by none other than myself! Mistake. But you could leave it anytime and follow your passion!! Wish i had one! 🙁

This doesnt take place after one or two bad days..this is a process. Depression is a process just like cancer. It kills you from inside and you dont even know it..and when you do..its too late! I couldnt express myself to anyone. Mistake. Now i wont say i am shy, its just that i dont know how to express it all. Tears dont come up to my eyes and i am short of words everytime i try. But this isnt lack of emotions. I cry beneath my skin inside my soul, and thats worse. My mom used to say thay i dont have feelings for the ones who love me the most. MOM, i did, just couldnt express it well enough.

One of my friend once said to me that life is a journey not a competition. But isnt it okay to be jealous and envy people who achieve more than you in this not so called “competition”. Yes, i am jealous of people. I feel that i too deserve things that they are getting but my luck sucks! Or maybe i am not that type.IDK.
I overthink. Mistake. Who doesnt? But mine is too often and too deep! I literally want to kill myself thinking about things that dont even matter. Maybe once they did.
I am a failure in love matters. Mistake. As i said, i couldn’t express it so no one takes it seriously. I am not perfect but i am trying and trying and trying but failing and failing and failing.