Born as a girl, but always felt trapped in the wrong body.
Never accepted myself, felt suffocated inside a dark room.
Feared and embarrassed to look myself naked, as if watching someone else.
As a kid never had this complex.
Always referred myself in opposite gender, even talked and dressed up like that.
Even during the childhood roleplay games played the boy’s part.
Never cried, as the society says boys don’t cry.
It was the most normal phase of my life.
And then it entered my life ‘the society’.
Suddenly they made me dress like a girl, started pointing me whenever I referred myself like a boy.
This change was very disturbing and when I confronted them always got defeaning silence as an answer.
This is when I feared interacting this world.
There were people around, I was never alone.
But daily I drowned in an ocean without water and these people stood outside like lifeguards.
At last I totally died inside, I had no other choice but to accept these so called rules.
I needed a changeover: grew my hair, practised to cry all the time!(as girls are emotional killers)
But then this puberty hit me bad, I won’t say hard. These changes were just disgusting, this inferior body was improvising it’s inferiority!
Then this weird feeling popped up
I enjoyed boy’s company and with girl I thought.. I don’t belong here!
Thu,boys never included me and girls never liked me, I was an outcast!
Whenever I saw a boy, I was attracted by their body as if that’s what I craved for.. in all these years!
Always imagined how it would be if I had one like that!
And in girls I saw different kind of beauty, attracted sexually.
Thus, never maintained myself, whenever I was forced to get a li’l makeover I was to embarrassed and clumsy to handle it.
Yeah I got attracted by myself!(As it wasn’t me ,it was someone else’s body, that’s what I thought)
I worked hard in communicating and became a li’l Socially active.
Befriended a lot of boys, yeah they liked me!
Finally doing something that’s not against my will!
I was one of them! Accepted by them!
Little did I know I was a deer between hungry lions.
They took advantage;but never realized, never felt offended, was warned by well-wishers. Stupid me! Thought it as some ‘brotherhood’ or ‘brocode’.
And then one day; accidentally saw one of the friends naked. As a reflex I should have apologized and left that place. But no my mind played games, stood still staring his sculpted body. Yelling inside “I want this!!”. He got the wrong idea. I was forced upon. I begged not to but my cries went in vain. My mind playes my miserable memories; I was again drowning and this time deeper and deeper and deeper. No this time I can’t drown, I have to swin on my own. I managed to rescue. But as I opened the door to rescue the devil was waiting for me.
This community never accepted my confrontation, potrayed as a ‘slut’. Called me names; my so called ‘friends’ called me ‘desparate’.
This society never heared my part, they believed what they saw, heared.
That day I cried…….cried like a girl!
Realised how strong a woman is! She doesn’t cry coz she is supposed , she cries as an outburst….. When she had taken too much of this society. She has a lot of patience and she suffers alot.
And all this time I dreamt of being a Coward?! A weakling?! I felt miserable. Then I decided to accept myself, accept this strong brave woman inside. I never felt disgusted of my sexual orientation.
Even after being a victim of gender dysphoria, I made a choice, chose to be a strong one.