I don’t mean it !

Posted by Vidya Bharti
December 15, 2017

NOTE: This post has been self-published by the author. Anyone can write on Youth Ki Awaaz.

Imagine of a bucket which is almost full with water and water is dripping in it slowly slowly but constantly for years but, water from the bucket is not flowing out. Something similar is happening inside me, I am on the urge of sharing something but I can’t do it. I am hiding and preserving something inside my heart which I am unable to come out with, for years. It’s not like I don’t have words but I am unable to find a person to whom I can open my heart. I do have people who care for me, who love me but this is something I can’t explain. I am looking for someone in everybody I meet but when I am unable to find it, I get disappointed. I take all my impression and interpretations of people towards that ‘someone’ I am looking for but in end they do something which disappoints me. These disappointments are adding in my depression. I know it’s wrong to judge people but I do judge them, with my own eyes. I don’t know how people can say things which they do not really mean. I don’t know how they can live with something I am dead scared of, “hollow feelings”. People today are going on telling and doing things they do not mean. But I don’t know how to tell words you don’t feel, how to do things you don’t want to do, how to experience without feeling too much and thinking too much. People have changed me, taught me that, “don’t take it too seriously, these are just words, may be they don’t mean it”.

“Just words” hollow words, when we came to this? When we are just saying for the sake of saying, we do not mean it. I can’t do that, I can’t roam around saying words I don’t mean. I can’t share the secrets of my heart, which I held back for years to people who are hollow inside, who need to fill themselves, to find themselves. I don’t seek sympathy but I seek for people who are worthy. In past couple of years, people have disappointed me more than the actual thing. Now I and the world have reached to a stage where, “Everyone is alone. Everyone is empty. People no longer have need of others.”

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