When being sad, irritated, lost, fearful, name a negative and extreme emotion that is possible, is not a choice or outcome of some bad or worse incident, but has ‘become you’ makes life miserable. And, it’s real. You look normal, not even a scar on your body, yet, your mind is full of scars, real or imagined. All that you have are bad memories to recall, a deep sense of victimhood, conspiracy theories floating around, and, sometimes you are able to see that it’s not you, but that force of emotions is so overpowering, overwhelming, that you feel helpless, powerless. A fit of rage later fills you with so much of guilt that you hate yourself, you loose all your confidence in you.
The world is beautiful. Sun rises in the east, flowers blossom, drops of rains fulfill the land, earth revolves dutifully, people struggle and live joyfully, and what not, but everything falls flat in front of this giant monster which is within your mind. All hope, all aspirations, all good, drains out and your mind becomes a junkyard. What do you do?
Who do you share it with? Who do you tell that you are so full of fear that you are shivering? And, you do not know the source of fear. How do you tell that there is some trigger around you, which is making you insecure and angry, and you are not able to identify it? You remember saying to your dear ones that you will kill yourself. But, how do you face them when you come back from hospital after actually attempting it and failed?
Dealing with a constant weight on your head and haze in your eyes is difficult and it is real. It is not an excuse. It’s like living your nightmares. In which you are a helpless observer whose body is tied, throat is choked, only functioning parts are eyes, ears and mind.