Trigger Warning: Mentions of sexual assault
“You are voluptuous, sexy and you are attractive.” – I got that remark from a trainer who was 60, when I was 26. He continued, “Haven’t seen a prettier woman in my life before and would love to have sex with you. I can see you have a fuel which can turn a man on – and it is equally true for me because women fall for me very easily” he gradually came closer to me and wrapped me in his arms.
Back then, I was married and I also knew that my husband was abusive. It was a 6-days training programme – and the trainer complimented my looks daily in front of 20 men. I should mention that I was the only woman in that class of 20 men.
I recoiled in horror and started wailing loudly. I was young and vulnerable, when he said, “Okay, I understand – you need counseling, you are just depressed. I am a gentleman and I won’t rape you.” He left my room.
Our team stayed in a 5-star hotel. Our trainer, a noted personality, also stayed in the same hotel with his wife who, at that time, was in her 40s. On the last day of training, I called him to my room for a cup of tea hoping that I could learn something from him. I shouldn’t have done that. For me, all I wanted was to learn – but for him, it was an invitation for having sex.
Prior to this training, I was denied the same by my boss. The reason was because he felt that I could handle the department alone – while all of my other colleagues had the privilege of availing the training programme. He came back after the training programme – and one day, he said that he remembered me while having sex with his wife. Apparently, he couldn’t get over me.
I narrated the incident to my husband who told me that I was the one to be blamed since I was sending the wrong signals. For the next programme though, his boss made sure my name was enrolled as he felt I was talented and needed to attend the programme.
Then, I got divorced and became single. Now, to the world, I was ‘available’. My next employer was also a man around 50, who shared a very good chemistry with his wife and had two sons. I was promoted with a pay hike, but there were certain things as well. He also saw me as an object and confessed that he had sex with several other female colleagues, and that I should also go to bed with him. When I refused, he said that in the past, he had witnessed many such ‘abnormal females’ like me – and that I would soon realise my mistake.
I left that job – I was jobless for six months when I knew I had to run my household. This man sent me a friend request again through social media. All I did was block him from all possible sites.
There was one more thing I noticed in another boss of mine. He never asked for sex, and he never made any indecent proposals to me. He was also very good and kind with his wife. However, he stared at my breasts each time he spoke to me. He also looked at my lips and I felt very awkward.
There was another man – a very noted personality, whom I had met for the first time. We had a good time talking to each other – but while parting, he pressed my nipples so hard that it ached for quite a long time. I didn’t know how to react. I kept quiet because apparently, he was quite powerful – when, in reality, he may have been no more than a thoughtless person. I realised this much later. By that time, I was too tired to deal with his stupidity as I knew that he must have been doing the same thing to others as well. It must be mentioned that he was married and the father of two children. Despite this, all he needed was lust.
The above cases I have narrated were of my experiences with married men. Here, I shouldn’t be biased – single men have also approached me, that too post my divorce. As a woman, I can say that I can go for a second marriage, or for a relationship with a man who will love me as a woman and not as a commodity. Sadly, in my case, these didn’t happen.
The first man who said that he loved me was a little younger to me. I cautioned him not to approach me as the relationship probably wouldn’t last. Coming from an affluent family, my parents did teach me moral lessons and I knew this aspect very well. Soon, that chap started running behind every woman he saw, while also texting me when he needed me – a ‘kind’ gesture never to be forgotten. So there again, I bid farewell to that man.
Post my delivery, there was a time when I started developing a pain in my shoulder. I went to a physiotherapist recommended by the orthopedic who said that it was some spasm. During the exercise, I could feel his hands brushing my lips. I thought that it may have been an accident, but the same thing happened the very next day as well. I could also feel that he was aroused when he stood very close to me. He was a young man, and he revealed in the first session itself that he wouldn’t be able to attend me since he was getting married to his girlfriend.
However, that ‘brushing’ incident already had an impact on my mind as I was a young, single mother. I left the physiotherapy session midway. Later, I heard that he had told a common friend that I had given him the wrong signals. Years later, I met him and he tried to smile at me – and I felt as if I was looking at a very stupid person. He also sent me a friend request through Facebook. All I did was block him.
Again, there were some people who befriended me through Facebook, told me that I could be a very good spouse to them, that I was bold and beautiful and that they wished they could date me as well. I never felt the need to ask these people – these ‘shadow ghosts’ – if they were married or single.
Furthermore, there were some single men who said they loved me – only to make me realise that all they needed from me was sex. They weren’t interested in marrying women who were no longer virgins. To them, I was a woman with whom they could only have sex. But they would only marry the ones whom their family chose.
This will turn into a book if I list the number of people who have approached me, groped me, tried to kiss me, sent me videos of them masturbating and the other disgusting things one can imagine. It was equally challenging for me to deal with all these privileged people.
To conclude this, I want to share some pointers for women. These are my personal opinions and lessons which I have learned in a hard way – though I am still learning.
1. Do not make yourself vulnerable in front of malicious people. They may ruin you and also outrage your modesty. You may be young – but just know that each time someone tries to take advantage of your amenability for insidious purposes, make sure that you hit back severely. I think that I should have done that to that trainer instead of being a crybaby. So don’t cry, all they need is a kick to their balls.
2. The second lesson – as a general tip, do not fall victim to married men. They may just be looking to satisfy their lust, while they have no plans to leave their wives for you, either.
For instance, my boss hasn’t left his wife as I still get all the news about him. I am also pretty sure that he is trying his filthy tricks on other women as well. On the other hand, since his wife earns well, he may well never leave her – at least, for the sake of money.
3. In my opinion and going by my experiences, I believe women should avoid relationships with men younger to them. The younger person may just be seeing you as an ‘experienced’ woman – and may have never intended to marry or love you, in the first place. There’s a high probability that he will ultimately marry someone of his age or the one his family chooses.
Even that chap who ran after me married a woman as per the choice of his family. In fact, I strongly suspect that he is still chasing women through social media – as I was, once upon a time, before I witnessed his deeds.
4. Whenever someone compliments your looks and features, do not take it for granted that they are actually appreciating you. They may just be looking at you as a sex symbol. So, there too, you have to deal with such people with an iron hand. People should appreciate your talent and not just your curves.
5. The last lesson – as women, we all need love and we also need to be loved. Be open to love. Be open to a relationship. Despite many nasty experiences (including my divorce), I honestly confess that I will go ahead and marry that man who will appreciate me as a woman, as a spiritual soul, and will admire my talents.
Having sex may be a human need and may well be needed to keep a relationship intact. But first, make sure that you get emotional support from the man. Without emotions, there cannot be a physical relationship. If such a thing happens, the relationship/marriage will, in all probability, vanish into thin air.
Go for a compassionate partner. Also give space to him. He may be a man of different ideas and opinions which you may not match with yours – so don’t bother/argue with him needlessly. If the man gives you emotional support, it may well be good enough. Steer clear of unnecessary drama, especially when you have a child. Do not be an unnecessary attention-seeker.
Respect yourself – you are much better, and you deserve the best. I have come across several broken women who found their perfect soulmate. So, wait for your time. If it is destined that you’ll find your soulmate, it will happen. On the other hand, if you don’t find such a person, make sure that you are respecting your solo journey.
You have come alone – and you may well have to go alone, all the way. Understand the power of your mind and intellect. Only then can you prove yourself to be a true, courageous woman.
So, there you have it – my personal encounter with several men in my life. However, I will still say that I will go ahead and only marry that man who appreciates my flair and not just my curves and breasts.