Am I Desirable Enough?

Posted by Arunchandra c in Society
February 25, 2018

The question which I have often pondered over is, “Are you even desirable as a heterosexual man if a woman can’t consider you an exception?” In our fast-paced dating world, the qualities of being desirable are equal to how much attention you attract from the opposite gender.

I will confess that I have put myself out there with certain vulnerabilities without drawing attention from the girls who are known to be ‘dateable’. I had often looked down upon myself for the inability to make it because we are taught that being single is our fault. One’s relationship status is one of the most private things, but social media has changed the way it’s perceived. I have been painfully single for a ridiculously long time.

It’s not that I haven’t been on dates, asked anyone out or anything like that. It’s just that my previous relationships have been short-lived. My last, short-lived relationship started after a considerable dry spell. I have been on a lot of dry spells.

I have been on online dating sites and apps, which haven’t been quite lucky for me in any way, so I have given up the idea of looking for a miracle.

This feeling of desirability was equated with the number of girls I have been with, which is not an ideal thing to co-relate. I was measured based on that by classmates, who had the agenda to break me down.

This projected image of me operated inside me for a long time. I felt that there is something strangely wrong with me, and I always struggled with the idea for a long time.

The other thing is a big one – I never really understood how ‘cool guys’ are supposed to behave, neither do I know how to be a nerd. I have experienced that being someone in an exceptional category comes with bullying and harassment and for me, not being a certain kind of guy from a particular category that girls want to date, have made it difficult for me.

I was never a modern day trophy boyfriend, which is a good thing because I never saw myself as one. However, I noticed that my desirability was proportional to being what they wanted me to be, and nothing else. I got some relief from thinking ‘I was not like other guys, I am better than them.’ I was wrong, very much in every way. I thought that girls will realize this too, but it never worked in my favour.

I began to feel sad because I was not like the other boys, because I was not hotter than the other boys. It’s a weird feeling. I often wonder why I never received that kind of attention.

I am a cool and chilled out guy, I promise. I have learned to not let past rejection get to me or feel undesirable. I don’t have the answers to why things turned out the way they did in the past, because I am trying to figure it out myself. I want to believe that I can sail towards loving myself with much care and attention, in the same way I fantasize about loving someone else.