Two years back, on April 1, 2016, I decided to work on Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights (SRHR) for young people in India. I never thought that this decision to work on sexuality and gender would change my perspective on life. Before that, I was working as an analyst, and my understanding about SRHR was zero. With each passing day, my understanding about SRHR increased but at the same time, it was getting difficult for me to work in a feminist organisation. There were so many questions in my mind:
“Am I ready to work in a feminist organization?”
“Will this affect my personal life?”
“As a male, am I responsible for everything bad that’s happening in this society?”
Let’s start from the beginning. In a country like India, talking about sex is a taboo and for people like me who come from a middle-class background, it’s difficult to talk about these topics with your teachers, female friends or family members. I still remember when two women took my interview and asked me questions about sex, consent, sexuality, and gender. It took me a while to answer all those questions. It’s not that I didn’t have the answers at that time, but I was scared to use the word “sex” in front of them as that was not usual for me.
Ever since I joined the organisation, till now, every day I learn something that makes me think that it’s not easy to work in a feminist organisation. I was working with 12 women and the only two men were me and another guy. I have never seen a gender ratio like this (1:7) in any other organization. It would always be skewed towards men. I can’t even explain how difficult it was for me to talk with them about different topics we were working on, and I can’t even list down those topics here as even Facebook and Google hesitate using those words. My life had changed, I was talking about certain things with my female colleagues which I have not even discussed with my male friends so openly.
Delhi Metro
Before this job, I thought offering a seat to a woman is a very respectful act, and whenever I saw a woman, young or old, I used to offer my seat. One day I offered my seat to my colleague and she got offended. I was shocked at her reaction. Then she asked me, do you think I need this seat? Is it only because I am a woman that you are offering this seat? That time, I had no answer for her questions, and after coming back home, that whole night I was thinking -have I done anything wrong? Next day, I asked her why she reacted like that and she said, ”Abhishek, this is not your problem. This is how we, as a society, feel that one gender is stronger and a man should offer a seat to a woman even if they are of the same age. Have you ever offered that seat to a boy of your age standing next to you?” Then I realised how many times I have offended girls in the past, showing them that as a man I can stand, but they should sit.
Restaurant
The funny thing about Indian restaurants is that they will make you feel like it’s your responsibility, as a man, to pay the bill. Even if I am going out with 12 women for a party, they will always hand the bill to me. For me, it was normal, as I had never taken that ‘small’ thing very seriously – but then I realised that it is not a small thing. For a woman, it’s a challenge to her capabilities and is akin to saying that only men should take all the financial decisions. We need to understand that women can earn, that they can spend, and that they can take their financial decisions independently.
Regular Day At Office
In my last, male-dominated organisation, every morning everyone used to chit-chat and talk about things they had done over the weekend. But here, the morning talks were very different, as whenever anyone entered the office, their face showed what they have to suffer on a regular basis. Commuting through public transport like the metro, where anyone could touch you, sometimes rub your private parts, and if you react, the obvious reaction would be – why don’t you use the women’s coach? Do you know that in 2011, Delhi had 868 women for every 1000 men? Do you still think all women should adjust in one women’s coach if they want to feel safe?
I read about online harassment but for women, it is a daily reality, as every other day there are so many random men who keep sending them friend requests and texting them on Facebook without knowing them. Then asking if they want to have sex, and if they don’t reply, start abusing them.
“Hi baby.”
“Hey Sexy.”
“Let’s chat!”
Do you know how many women, even if they are using technology, are unable to share their views only because of these messages? This is the reason we see fewer women sharing their views on different social media platforms, as hundreds of random people are waiting for that one comment so that they can send a friend request.
The women in my office used to ask me, “why boys do such things? Do you know that whenever anyone harasses us, be it physically or in the digital space, it affects us mentally and emotionally?”
These things made me feel really bad, as I didn’t have any answers for those questions. I realized that I am not as strong as these 12 women, who have suffered a lot on a regular basis and are still fighting, not just for their own rights but for millions of women and men.
I realised that I don’t want to be a so-called “mard”, but a human being who will respect everyone, irrespective of their gender, sexual orientation, caste, and religion.