Marriage is a huge ocean full of fun, frolic, and waves just like our lives with no set rules. There are many things that marriage has taught me, and I wanted to share my views on how to make a marriage work. There may be plenty of rules out there that are all glossy and preachy on how to make the relationship work out the way you want, and while some of them make sense, there are many which are quite irrelevant. I have been married for two years, and there is one thing that makes me and my husband tick. Knowing that there is no standard protocol to make our relationship work. I had known my husband for five years before we got married and there is nothing that changed much post marriage. Having a simple chat with some of my married friends makes me realise how different and complex marriage can turn out to be. It is always best to make and break your own rules as you go along.
Over the years we both have been doing our bit to break some rules with no friction in our marriage. As a wise married woman (no kidding) I have some five rules that have worked for me so far.
1) Never Ever Go To Bed Angry: This is the first mistake that many couples make, and it can turn out to be devastating. It might work out for some people, but as far as my husband Mani and I are concerned, we take a break, possibly shout at each other, take out our steam and come to the solution within 24 hours. Before marriage, we had a slight disadvantage that we were not together in the same city and we resolved our fights over a span of days and the relationship was in tatters most of the times. Our parents too were upset seeing us fight like cats and dogs. We formed a golden rule that we will resolve each misunderstanding before 11 pm the same day. Fighting until 3 am the next morning is not going to help anyone, and we rather have a fight, resolve it, go to bed and wake up with a fresh perspective. However, I also feel that when we always stick to the rule that we must never go to bed angry, it will make us impatient and sometimes we may just agree to end the fight so that we can go to bed. It is better to approach any situation with a clear head and think of the best solution before making it permanent.
2) Date Time Is Also Quite Essential: A date is not necessarily lovey-dovey things, but you can rechristen it as the time that you get to spend together as a couple. I think the concept of dates are highly overrated and the idea of one dinner or a lunch can actually save your marriage is quite far-fetched, to be honest. It is better we do our things our way. I like to dress up a bit, and we go on our movie dates once a month, just the two of us as we both love to binge watch movies. Weekends, too, we like to stay in and watch a movie or two on our couch. If movies or dining out is not your thing, you have to figure out what you both love doing together and embark on that journey. Never cave into the pressures of believing that going out is the only way to have fun. It is just to add a bit of spice to your routine life.
3) Spending Your Free Time Together: Owing to our tight schedules most of the time, my husband and I hardly get our “me” time together. It is extremely important to spend as much time together as you can, and it is also equally important to spend some time away too. Spend the weekend hanging out with each other, but it is also equally important that you give time to other people too. Make sure you go meet your friends, spend some time with your extended family, read a book or take up a hobby together. The main point to be noted here is that you need not feel guilty for wanting some time apart and it in no way will imply that you will love your partner less.
4) Never Let Anyone Else Come In Between Your Marriage: This one thing can make your marriage bitter. So try and keep your pestering family members and gossip-loving friends away from your domestic matters. If you have a recurring problem and need a fresh perspective, then it will help. I often tend to discuss things with my Mom whom I trust to the core and a close friend of mine who gives me clarity as to how to rectify a given situation. While it is quite understandable that I do not let any third person interfere in my marriage when I have a problem it is okay to ask for help and not reveal too much too at the same time. Never discuss every bit of your relationship with someone else and there are many things that need to be kept private too.
5) Put Yourself First: You can call me selfish as I have never quite caught up with the idea of putting one’s partner before everything else. I definitely put him above my friends and relatives but however, at the end of the day, I need to be happy to make the others happy around me. If I have to choose between having my spa time or hanging out with him to watch a cricket match which he absolutely loves, then I will pick the former. Simply because I don’t enjoy cricket as much as he does. We both need our own space at times, and over the years I have learned to let go and not burden my partner with overwhelming expectations.
