Queer, Alone, And Heartbroken In A Metro City

Posted by Tarun Tulsi Bora in My Story
April 17, 2018

I have always wanted to be independent. I believed being independent meant making my own decisions and controlling my life. So, right after finishing my college, I moved to a new city for work and started living alone. I made new friends, tried meeting new guys for dates, life was a party every day.

All these years, I have been living in different cities. I was moving to a new city after every 2 – 4 years. This time I did it again in pursuit of better opportunities both, professionally and personally. Again, I made new friends, tried meeting new guys for dates, life was a party every day.

Meanwhile, like always, I had fallen for the wrong guy (he was attracted to the opposite gender), and like always, I was heartbroken except for one thing – this time I was alone. I was all by myself, and I had no one to spend time with, no one to keep me occupied.

Heartbreaks do make you a disinterested, overthinking, drunken sloth. Hence, I was not meeting any new dates either. It took me two months to realise the mental state I was in. It wasn’t healthy and was a result of another non-compliance of mutual exchange of interests and affection. Like Halsey says, “everything is blue.”

Earlier, against my own choice, I was living in a social and institutional construct created by school and colleges, wherein I spent my time; both good and bad; among my friends. Hence, this seclusion and self-loathing initiated by heartbreak was new to me.

Personally, I believe in personal space and self-awareness. I think these two are necessary to attain mental peace. Living alone gives you an uninterrupted, undisputed territorial existence and enough time and opportunity to know thyself but at the same time, it comes with the absence of any external voice and thoughts which gives you reasons to contemplate on your conclusions.

The absence of external voices and thoughts deprive you of objective reality and leaves you with your subjective reality. Hence, it sub-consciously made me indifferent to people’s feelings and sensitivity. The lack of empathy made me hurt people’s feelings including my family, friends and more, as I was not able to comprehend what they were going through at different points in time.

As they say, the world is one’s own reflection. I was reaping what I was sowing, and consequently, I started feeling lonely. Suddenly, I found myself in a situation where I was surrounded by many people but no one to talk my heart out to. My search for such a person made me desperate for companionship, a relationship. This desperation led to bitter experiences. A relationship demands maturity from the time it starts while desperation only leads you to someone who is not right for you.

To be able to know all this about myself is progress to me. After all these lessons life has taught me, seeking sound understanding of the right amount of social indulgence and personal space in life has become my priority.

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Image source: Emma Jespersen/Flickr