By Mridul Kumar Upadhyay:
March 8 is celebrated as International Women’s Day. Well, every day is women’s day, right? Should it be a special day for a man like me? Do I care enough? What should I care for? Hoping to find the answers to these questions, I decided to cross-dress for a day while attending class.
For the first time in life, I dressed up in clothes which are generally associated with women – a burqa, a full-length veil that covers not only a woman’s body but her head and face as well. I was so afraid of being judged that I was not able to step out of the dressing room for 10 long minutes. I was certain that I would get recognised and made fun of.
Within a few minutes of wearing the burqa, I started getting a headache because something was tied to my head. I felt breathless. My breathing felt increasingly warmer under the thick black material. So, the first realisation within an hour was that women in burqa probably needed a cooler setting in the workplace.
One of my friends shared the fact that she used to see a men wearing burqas in movies. She always thought one would be easily recognisable. But it is not that easy in reality. I too thought I would be recognised until I saw my reflection in the mirror. I realised that I might even fail to recognise my friends in public if they were wearing the burqa.
Seeing myself wearing the burqa, I felt very different. Fortunately, it helped m get over my fear of being judged because I was covered completely from head to toe. I felt silly for thinking that it would be easy to see through my hesitation. There was nothing to be seen.
As I walked around during the day, I felt completely cut off from the world around me. I was there but at the same time, not quite there. Another friend said that he was unable to make out if I was laughing or angry. I smiled back, forgetting that he wouldn’t be able to see this. We relate to people through their facial expressions and this black material hid expression completely. You couldn’t even communicate a smile.
I could see through only a fabric mesh, which restricted my vision. This also made it tough for me to see where I was going. Similarly, it was tough to eat or drink. When I was thirsty, I drank water awkwardly from under the folds of the niqab.It was difficult to perform even simple tasks.
Additionally, it is very difficult to carry a dress which has several layers; too much embroidery, flowing here and there and so on. How does one sit and move with it? It gets stuck in things while moving. There is a fear of it getting torn. Do you want to give yourself a reason to feel embarrassed?
When we sat on the floor, it was difficult to sit in a relaxed position. A male voice in my head said, “Cover yourself well, no body part should be visible.” It is difficult to always be conscious of the forced responsibility you are carrying, responsibility for not letting other men see your face and body parts. As a man, I feel this pressure of dressing ‘sensibly’ when I wear a loose neck t-shirt and the straps of my vest peep out from around my neck.
Other than this, I couldn’t feel anything else – just a feeling of being completely covered in clothes. This might have been due to the fact that I was also wearing my own clothes underneath the burqa. It was very surprising to hear people comment and wonder because I was unable to sense how different it is for them. As for me, I had the same identity, just different clothes.
The best part of the experiment was the very strong support I received from the cohort throughout the day. When a friend was acting funny and asking me to show my face, the cohort defended me, saying I should be allowed to experiment the way I wanted to. This helped me experiment for a much longer time than I had initially thought I would be able to.
By the evening, I had started feeling that the burqa also offered a kind of freedom. For instance, nobody was able to judge my expressions from under the burqa. Maybe many women are able to find a sense of freedom under this culturally imposed piece of clothing. But this relief from being judged – can it give a sense of freedom to all women?
I spent nine hours in this dress. My head was feeling heavy and I felt suffocated. I was craving for a cold breeze. I had no will to talk to people in my usual ‘loud’ and ‘confident’ male voice. And with this, I ended my experiment.
This single day amplified my empathy and respect for all women, especially who wear a burqa every day. I haven’t become an expert, but now I know what I should care for.
Mridul Kumar Upadhyay is a student of PGP in Development Leadership at ISDM.