When I was in college and university, I was made to assume that a guy isn’t a good, smart and cool enough if he is not sexist, bully or not cracking demeaning and defamatory jokes on others in the name of sarcasm and casual talks. Unfortunately or accidentally, that time many of them who believed in such mentality and carry such attitudes happened to be my friends and after a period of time- a few times I also started pretending (I wasn’t even comfortable) to be like that just in order to mingle with them, to find a comfortable space and to maintain their social strata. Such things have become very much normal in the name of casual talks and for many such things are considered to be one of the fundamental notions and principles for their survival as men. Many times because of their attitudes I tried to isolate myself from them, but I was told, hey bro what happened, don’t take things personally, have fun and chill maadi. But one of the biggest problems for me was that I wasn’t able to fit in their definition of having fun, and more often I used to isolate myself. This isolation created a different identity of mine such as not being mature enough, being too emotional etc. My problem with this is that in the name of all of the casual conversations someone can’t justify something irrational. For example, it isn’t okay that if someone makes a derogatory remark on someone and later says or writes that he didn’t mean to defame the person. This is just like raping someone and saying, hey you looked so hot and sexy, so I raped you but I didn’t really mean to defame you or calling someone fat or saying someone hey bro you look black you are from one of those Caribbean countries, aren’t you and later saying I didn’t mean to defame you. It is as simple as that. Normalization of such attitudes as a man has become so much complex demon that some irrational behaviors become a mandate for life. Just look at and observe casual talks which such people have on a regular basis whether at home, college, workplace or any public spaces. Such talks have been so much prevalent that in a way I was unwillingly made to assume it as one of the realities that you can’t deny if you are born as a man and happened to be here and willing to survive further till the end of your life.
Today through this writing I want to convey each and every such people that this isn’t cool. Even if your friends, co-workers, and colleagues are not revealing their discomfort, still we should have basic sensitivity and respect for the sake of humankind. Can’t we have some different imaginations and ideas of being cool and smart and can’t we apply those imaginations and ideas in our lives. Considering myself as a liberal and feminist and working with a feminist organization, I came across good people and also been in touch with a few of my good friends from the college time. Therefore, now I can say I don’t need to put effort to fit in their idea of having fun, I don’t need to put my effort to pretend in order to mingle with them, to find a comfortable space and to maintain their social strata. Relationships of any kind are not like selling an insurance policy or tobacco with disclaimers. We must avoid taking the risk.