“I want to apologise to myself for constantly submerging in a state of panic, for allowing myself to self-destruct for so many years. There is a person inside of me who deserves kindness.” — Brianna Pastor
I recently came across the quote mentioned above. I could relate to it so much that I felt that I should write an apology letter to myself. If a person cannot move past the failures in their past, how can they make use of the opportunities waiting in front of them?
I was doing exactly doing the same. I used to wallow in self-pity for days and indulge in self-destructive behaviour.
I apologise for comparing myself, which is something I used to do when dwelling on past mistakes and choices. Looking back, if I were on the receiving end of what I said, it would have had a more recurring effect on me.
I now understand that my behaviour was destructive. It affected my dignity a lot. In the future, I will avoid making such comparisons.
I apologise for missing out on happiness because I was afraid that I would have to pay the price of being miserable at the end of the day. I apologise for looking at my batch-mates and feeling like I didn’t measure up to their success, and ultimately, for not believing that I was perfect the way I was.
I was angry because of the way things went against me for no fault of mine, and how I had been reduced to a passive observer who was helpless. I was so angry that I killed the good parts of me.
And I am not sure if I can resurrect the old good guy inside of me. I apologise for blaming myself when bad things happened.
I am trying to be the same guy again. I am not sure how successful I can be in this attempt. I don’t know if I can still find part of the old me somewhere deep inside. I know that I am beautiful and miraculous and capable of doing things.
I understand that I am unique and have distinct characteristics. I know this because I understand myself a lot better.
What I have learned is that good and bad things happen to everyone. I used to think that bad things only happened to me in a way that I could never be happy. But as they say, all things end. Maybe I should also believe that everything happens for a reason. I will not mark my life anymore with bad things.
I must write this letter so that I can apologise, and start afresh.