Small town dreams to be fulfilled in a big city is that one cliché Bollywood expectation we have in our adolescence. I’m no exception to that rule.
Jaipur is a very peaceful city with heritage being its pride; but Delhi on the other hand, has a little something for everyone. The hustle bustle is so attractive and intimidating at the same time. With mixed emotions and great help from my dad, I found a suitable PG for me while I attended college in Delhi and started my new independent life, living with the freedom I always wanted.
Being the youngest in the family, it’s safe to say that I was pampered a lot, mostly by my father. And he was there, through my initial phases of confusion in a new city. He made sure I had everything I need, and would get worried otherwise.
We all can agree to the fact that the course of how college life turns out, majorly depends on the kind of friends you make – initial unplanned hangout sessions, fresh interactions, laughs you share, these make for one of the most beautiful phases of college.
Because when you barely know someone, it’s fairly easy to like them. I was still figuring out and navigating my way through this unknown city a few months into college when suddenly, my father passed away.
Now, I’m not the kind of person who would exaggerate any pain, but something like this is probably the devil’s craziest way of seeing someone suffer.
My very own existence became foreign to me. My world came crashing down. I was shut – emotionally, physically and mentally. I clearly remember for ten days, I didn’t speak a word simply because I forgot how to function. I didn’t even get enough time to mourn properly as it happened when my midterms were close to starting.
I was too depressed to exist in a normal environment. Everything reminded me of my father; because in my life, everything was about him, for him. How was I supposed to function properly without him? He had been my go-to, my sense of security and my cocoon that I would sink into when things would go wrong.
I was expected to sideline a pain which can’t be sidelined, and attempt exams which I couldn’t prepare for. In my PG, I lived in a tiny room for one person where I had everything I needed. Little did I know that fighting depression and trying to study at the same time would mentally destroy me in the same room.
I ended up giving only two exams out of five. This created the impression of me being an academically weak student. And that notion I had of fulfilling dreams in a big city? That seemed like a long lost wish.
My attendance went down. I stopped existing for most of my classmates because the expressions on my face became uninviting. I made some friends in the very initial months and they were there, but I didn’t feel connected to them, or anyone else for that matter. Their laughs made me wonder, ‘how does one smile?’ And the sadder part is, it didn’t bother me that I had no friends.
My first year went by, and I was all alone. I was fighting each day, but I didn’t know for what until it was time for my summer internship. Before that, my end terms were also a disaster. I didn’t score even close to what I could have, because my anxiety and depression overshadowed my personality for a long time.
My course is a creative one. But in this phase I couldn’t do anything. I became an introvert, and group assignments became a challenge. I had no idea how to get through it all.
Doing a two-month summer internship was mandatory for our course. To be with my mother, I requested my teachers to get me an internship in Jaipur. I ended up working in accounts at an NGO for children.
Quickly, the students of the NGO became the hope I was looking for. In my free time from the accounts department, I used to teach those little kids. In those two months, I fell in love with them almost effortlessly and started smiling more often. I started feeling things again.
The examination part of our curriculum dawned heavy on me, and the summer internship got me out of it.
When we went back to college after the internship for our second year, I was the real me again. I was able to resume my unfinished interactions. I became involved in my academics. I came third in my end semesters exams after the first year. I was very proud of myself, I still am. I believe if I can get through the loss of my father, I can probably take all forms of loss and destruction, now with a smile on my face.
The work that we get in college became my favourite way to explore my capabilities. I also learnt immensely from normal activities like going back home without my dad there to pick me up, managing finances and visiting banks, submitting my college fees, handling all sorts of issues at my PG and shifting to less expensive establishments.
My teachers were supportive enough to give me extensions for my assignments during first year; but I was pleased I didn’t need it for the upcoming semesters. The exams, papers and assignments wouldn’t end, and I liked to keep myself occupied with the same. During this time, I realised my love for management. I discovered I liked to execute events in a planned and systematic manner.
You never know what life has in store for you. College, at one point, is always the most prominent part of everyone’s life and I nearly lost half of it, along with the one person who continues to be my strength.
If there’s one takeaway from my story, it’s that nothing really stays forever and it’s in our hands to make the most of each moment we have.
College: friends, life, exams bound together is a very sweet phase of your life but that doesn’t mean you’ll get everything you want on a silver plate. I fought for my happiness and for my career. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain entirely, but I know for sure I won’t let it hamper my growth personally or professionally.
There are tragedies in everyone’s life. I am glad I didn’t let them change me for the worse. Instead, I grew to be independent and pragmatic, in my father’s light, which will always be there.