The whole world seems to be crashing around me right now.
I’m in my early 20s and yet I look like a fat middle-aged woman. I’m a bad wife because I’m not able to manage household chores. I’m a bad employee because I wish to rush home once it’s time, to be with a husband who once loved me enough to travel cities and spend all his money on planning the perfect day for us. We’ve been married for six months, and I think I might be pregnant. My in-laws are visiting us next month and I’m yet to adjust to travelling across what seems like seven oceans from Navi Mumbai to reach my office in Mumbai’s Andheri West. We have a beautiful home given to us by my in-laws, but no time to decorate it. I had never been loved, and now I think I have lost the love that I used to see in my husband’s eyes before we were married.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s all in my mind or if things are really this bad. Here I am, walking in the rain, shedding tears, wondering what I’ve done to deserve this life. It’s a life where my past haunts me every single day, and where the future frightens the shit out of me. Yes, you will see a lot of of ‘I, me, and myself’. I’m not selfish but I do think about myself because I have a feeling that no one else does.
Well, I’m writing this so that if it turns out I’m moving towards some disorder, doctors will have a complete report of all the my feelings, the kinds that a person with a mental health issue might go through.
You might think this is weird, but I’m very connected to God. Maybe I’ve named my conscious that, but there is someone who always urges me to do the right thing. Doctors, please note! Maybe there’s something inside me teaching me to do good in this evil world. If this isn’t hell then what is?
Sitting peacefully, watching the sunset while sipping tea, without thinking of the past and the future, is near impossible for me now. It’s like if you aren’t running you won’t be able to live in this world and the day you don’t have to run you will realise you are old as fuck and have wasted all your life running.
What is this world? What are we running behind? What are these products that we need to make our lives easier by making our lives more difficult in this world? What are these places we wish to visit that keep us away from home for everything but sleeping? What are these family gatherings that we want to attend by ruining our everyday family time? What is it? Are we for real? Is love limited to films alone or does it actually exist?
I wonder where my life is heading and when these thoughts will stop bothering my head. In India, the toughest job is to be a woman. Yes, I am a feminist by definition. Everything in a feminist blog or book are pure facts, if seen through the eyes of a woman.