How often are you given validation just because of your gender? Paying at restaurants? Giving birth to a child? My personal favourite would be taking one’s existence in their hands and making it their business. Or, in simpler terms, Sati. You will be amazed at how little we think of a woman in relation to a man. It’s a gut-wrenching allowance given to nobody but everybody assumes that they own her body. By everybody here I mean to say the “men”. We give the power and alibi to them every single day.
India is the land of traditional values and norms, and is a deep-rooted patriarchal society, where even in this highly competitive, modernized 21st century world, a woman’s identity is linked to her husband’s. Though the “Sati” custom is prohibited, the remnants are still seen. Widowhood, in such a society, takes its worst shape.
In many families, the loss of the breadwinner is entangled with many other social implications. Widows in India, and many other countries across the globe, are often considered to be cursed; they are thrown out by their families fearing that they might spread their “bad luck”. Statistics show that there are 5.6 crore widows in the country, which is really bizarre considering the fact that India is in the top 10 countries having more men than women. In other words, India stands at the 192 position amongst 201 nations in terms of sex ratio.
I never knew or thought of the pain of widowed women until my father passed away. My once sanguine and loquacious mother became a different person altogether. Not because she wanted that, but because people started ignoring her. Her attempt to optimism was met with stony silences and piercing looks. The people whom she thought would stand by her slowly left her fearing that support will be expected from them. They failed to realize that she just needed validation, that she was still a human and not defined by someone else.
Then came a wedding in the family. according to the custom of our community, my mother should originally have had a major role in the rituals. But since she was a widow, she wasn’t expected to perform the same. What happened was unanticipated—she was not invited to the wedding, not even notified. Yet, us, her kids were invited and even asked to join the wedding shopping. Did they really think that we would join them? This was the last nail on the coffin!
She became dejected and no amount of motivation could help her come back to the jovial person she was. She distanced herself from everyone. People frowned upon her minimalistic yet new attire, citing that widows shouldn’t wear new clothes. She had to forgo her love for bright colours and started wearing the sober ones more. Her imprudent colleagues complained about their widowed mothers and mother in laws, wanting to go out for movies; and they succeeded. My mother never went out with us on long drives, let alone movies.
But what society couldn’t kill was the unflinching spirit of my mother. Like a slap on the face for every person who tried to belittle her, she rose like a Phoenix from the flames.
One day, she called me up and said that she was no longer going to take a backseat, that she was ready to fight against all odds till the end. She stays alone in big megalopolis outside India. She bought a car with her own hard earned money and steers it through the bustling streets with great ease. Yet there are days when she speaks to no one, when she just wants to be alone, when she breaks down completely, bewildered, and not knowing what to do next. But she never gives up. Once she asked me a heart-rending question that still reverberates in my ears. “Will I be asked to stay away from your wedding?“. That moment I realized the amount of hurt and pain she goes through everyday.
That’s when I understood the enormity of the plight of widowed women. There are many cases where they are ostracized by their families and society. Many find refuge in pilgrimage cities like Vrindavan. The young widows are left alone to fend for their children, while many elderly widows are either left in old age homes or simply asked to leave their homes, ending up as beggars.
An ironical fact is that widowers never face such discrimination. Why such double standards? Because of gender differences? Even popular media romanticizes this notion of widows spending the rest of their lives in the memory of their deceased spouses. But why does no one contemplate about their life after that?
These women need emotional support to come back to their normal selves. They need the right kind of encouragement and support system to help them get back on their feet. In India, many families don’t allow their daughters and daughters-in-law to work. But once their husbands die, they are expected to support their family. In fact, a job, as an engagement, would take off their mind from the pain. It’s high time that India sees these women as one among them and elevate their status in society.
I stand for the rights of these women who are deemed a level lower than other people. In a country, where studies have shown that women outlive men, society must come to terms with this fact and treat widows with more respect. For me, my mother is my superhero and my inspiration. I would never want her beautiful smile to be wiped out from her face.