TRIGGER WARNING: ABUSE
Okay, let’s talk about assumptions. Specifically, those that people make about people who have been abused and even more specifically, the assumptions people have made about me. There are always some. They aren’t always entirely wrong. They also are rarely entirely right. And they’re often irritating.
My Cis-Men Hatred
Okay. So I accept that I hate cis men. Sort of. I hate the term ‘man-hating feminist’ because my man hatred has little to do with my feminism and even less to do with my abuse. I didn’t hate men after Tushar abused me. I hated him. I didn’t hate men after I remembered the other men Tushar involved in, I hated him, and I hated them in extension. Before and after the abuse, I believe that patriarchy had fucked men over too, that men weren’t inherently bad, just some men were. Those three men were definitely bad, but honestly, for a long time, I argued that even they could be made better.
I didn’t hate men because of the next bad relationship I was in which wasn’t physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally. Yet, I still believed in the individual, I still believed that men weren’t inherently bad, just some men were. He was one of them. I didn’t hate men because of everything men did to me. I hated everything which allowed men to react to their pain or anger with violence and aggression. I was just one of the million consequences to that.
Even now, I don’t hate men. I hate the concept of cis-men which currently exists, I hate the depths of the privilege they live in, and I hate how hard it is to make them see those depths, let alone make some marked change. I am constantly surrounded by stories of discrimination, violence, pain, death, torture, isolation, mental health degradation; from the news, people in my life, and only also my life. In my head, I could see the clear connection between all of that and the concept of cis-men, of patriarchy. Then, I’d be surrounded by all the stories of environmental degradation, or lack of resources, of all the catastrophic damage which humans did to the planet. And I hated humanity. Within humanity, I feel that more blame goes to those who have had the most power, and that is cis-men.
Basically, more than hatred, I just don’t think cis-men are worth the never-ending fight to make things better. We don’t have time. Our planet doesn’t have the time to make men realise their privilege, to fix patriarchy. More of my anger towards men is because of the pervasive nature of power disbalance which exists in society than simply the consequences which that bore on me.
So, no, I don’t exactly hate men, and I definitely don’t hate them because of what a handful of them did to me. That’s just so derivative, simplistic, and pure wrong, and I’m so tired of the assumption that the two are connected. I hear it often, in some way or another. I hear it from those who assume I’ve had some experience of abuse when I happen to mention my man-hatred. I hear it from those who basically have some version of ‘aha’ when I tell them about the abuse, because then, and only then, does my man hatred make sense to them. It’s irritating. It’s frustrating. And it’s just totally wrong.
My Lack Of Interest In Sex.
Now, to be honest, there are some components of the abuse which may contribute to my lack of interest in sex, but again, that is not the whole story. When I started having sex, or even before that when I was just engaging in foreplay minus the sex, I really really wanted to love it, to have fun, to be one of those horny women and break the stereotype that women (especially abused women) don’t enjoy sex. But I didn’t. Not really. It wasn’t about sex being triggering, or painful. It was that it was boring to me.
Now there was sex I had which was triggering, and considering the damage Tushar left behind in my vagina, penetrative sex can also be painful sometimes. But there was a point after which sex wasn’t triggering anymore, and there was a lot which can be done which wouldn’t have upset the injuries left behind. I just genuinely didn’t enjoy it. People will argue (and have argued) that the lack of enjoyment is because of the trauma which I associate sex with.
But I don’t actually associate sex with trauma or vice versa. I associate sex with boredom, with a sense of ‘eh’ which just about covers everything. If the argument is that I don’t enjoy sex because of the trauma, there’s a glitch in that. There are some things in sex which are less ‘eh’ than others. Those aspects are a lot closer to the trauma in action than others, and before people think that, I was into BDSM well before Tushar ever entered my life. It just so happens that I stayed into it after he left.
My personal theory of my lack of enjoyment in sex is to do with sex being boring, and my supposedly erogenous zones not being quite as erogenous as advertised. Again, before people assume, Tushar didn’t numb these areas with his brutality. Even before he got quite as brutal, it was there. He even commented a few times on the lack of strong sensations when I masturbated before him. I can’t really gauge if it got worse or not after. It could have. But if I can’t gauge it, then how much could it really have been?
So no, my lack of interest in sex has little to do with my abuse. Despite what the patriarchal world would have one believe, sex isn’t actually as great to absolutely everyone in the world minus abuse survivors.
What Happened, Happened.
One of the most common sympathetic responses I have gotten is “I wish this never happened to you”. I understand why that would be a response, especially by someone who cares about me. But it also frustrates me, because that’s not the boat I am in any longer and explaining that to someone is complicated. It wasn’t easy to move out of it. I spent a lot of time wishing it didn’t happen to me, till I realised, it did happen and there is nothing I can do to change that, so wishing for it is a waste of energy.
My experiences did shape me to be the person I am today, and I will say that I am very proud of what I have made of myself. I did learn some lessons.
My Sexuality
Okay, so we established I’m not very much into sex. I would say I’m inclined to think I’m kind of asexual in the sense that I don’t feel a strong attraction towards specific individuals. Any attraction I have towards sex has to do more with the BDSM aspect of things than the person I’m with.
First of all, let’s just throw away the assumption that my asexuality is because of being abused. In my specific case, I can’t prove it isn’t, just like others can’t prove that it is. But asexuality is an actual thing and not everyone who is asexual has been abused in some way or another. Also, just to clarify, not all asexuals don’t enjoy sex. It’s more about not feeling a sense of sexual attraction to specific people, according to me, but it’s different for different people.
So, I don’t get attracted to people, but I do get interested, and sometimes, I even catch feelings for them. I have had feelings for people irrespective of their gender. Considering I’m not sexually attracted to specific people, I’m also not sexually unattracted to specific people. Because of my aforementioned dislike of cis-men, I would say I am now a lot more likely to be interested in anyone but cis-men.
Again, this is not a direct consequence of being abused by men. It isn’t a straight line from “oh men hurt you” to “oh that’s why you’d be into a woman” or “oh that’s why you’re not as into men”. This one has taken me time to internalise too. There is SO MUCH socialisation on how abuse and sexual orientation are linked, that I’ve believed it too. This is an assumption that I couldn’t possibly say for 100% has nothing to do with being abused, but it definitely has a lot less to do with it than people assume.
I’m sure there are more assumptions which are made about survivors, there are more which are made about me and my surviving. These are perhaps just some of the most common and/or frustrating ones.
Feature Image For Representation Only.