I am not sure if I am sure. You cannot be sure of something about yourself, if you suddenly discover it, after thirty years of existence on earth. After getting used to not knowing for so long, you are shocked that you’re giving a fabricated version of your life a new reality.
Anyhow, the big and the small part of it is that I am (maybe/I am definitely sure) an ‘asexual’ i.e. I belong to the spectrum of ‘asexuality’. That is the only explanation for all the weird things that have happened to me, are happening to me, and have been happening to me for such a long time, as long as my life. Lol.
This is really funny. It is almost as funny as a poor joke, and I cannot stop laughing about it. And yes, I am not going to start from the beginning of this article. I will not be scratching like every aspect of my life and muse upon it. I have done it in my mind, and I guess that suffices.
I am writing this article for two political (very specific) reasons: one, I want to make a few of my friends (people who deeply care about me) know, and secondly, I wish to make those feel comfortable about their existence, who are still going through that phase of life in which they continuously think: “Why don’t I seem to like the idea of a thing which everyone cannot stop talking about?”
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! So, an awareness kind of thing, right? Though honestly, my multiple feelings of relief/peace/understanding/anger make me feel confused, yet I am ready to share my opinions. I recently discovered that I am not alone in this battle. Also, this might be one of the many articles I might end up writing on the issues of ‘asexuality’ from a very personal perspective.
So, why do I think I am asexual, or rather why do I think I might belong to the asexual spectrum?
I don’t know, I think I am not ready to share with people yet, though I am sure sharing it openly is going to help me in some very specific ways. I am in that phase of self-knowing in which I was attacked by a sudden realization and I am still trying to find out (reeling under it), that I belong to the asexual spectrum. I am still trying to learn how things are about me. Especially when this realisation comes at the age of almost 30. This is a big age to finally come to terms with your sexuality. But again, I really didn’t have enough vocabulary to define myself. I was not aware of the theoretical background to classify myself. Like gay/lesbians might have felt when they were being persecuted by the people around once upon a time (and even today in many parts of the world they feel threatened). And yes, I have been persecuted, more than many times in my life, for being who I am.
But again, I cannot act like a victim. My whole life has been spent in trying to fit in a world; i.e. the world around me, it is only recently that I have come to understand that asexuality as a theoretical concept has been here on earth for more than a decade now, which was not ready for me. Not that I tried to find a place for myself. My life has been a struggle to merge into a group of rats when I am a mouse.
My life has been like an alien (who does not feel the need to go to shit) who finds himself on earth and does not know that he is an alien, who considered himself an earthling and is troubled why everyone goes to shit, and why the language is so full of ‘shit’. Like the struggle of the first unacknowledged gays who tried to behave like heterosexual beings, continuously trying, and trying hard. Here are a few things that I’ve tried to comprehend over the years:
Perhaps I ended up sharing after all. But I guess it is okay. Now that I have a vocabulary to describe my behaviour, I can claim some authority over myself and my actions, and be culpable for my actions I am going to commit in future. This is not a life-defining moment per se, because there is a lot to understand about myself even now. But it is a significant moment nonetheless.
Anyone who feels any of the above should try to dig a little into the “asexuality spectrum”. There are many YouTube videos and articles to go through and make sense of who you are, or who might be someone you care about.
I suggest the following, for a starter: