*Trigger Warning: The article addresses suicide.
Hey, you there! Just hold on. I feel you. I really do. I was there too—on the terrace edge, holding a sharp knife, staring at sleeping pills, thinking of fast-moving trucks. It was such a relief to realize that all the pain and suffering would get over, but guess what, I would not have been there to witness it.
This is a very personal story, but I would like to share it in the hope that it would make some difference in your life. Depression often does crazy things to you. There are alien voices in your head, always demotivating you, telling you that you’re not worthy of anything good. I, too, had moments like this. When everything was downhill—I had no job, the family didn’t understand my situation, medicines made me numb, I was hurting every inch, future was bleak, and there was no hope. The only thing that entertained me was a thought—if I miraculously vanish somehow, people would be happier, I would be free. But, then, wait a minute! Was I missing something big there?
It was a déja vu moment. I had been there before, many times, over and over again; moments I had wanted to kill myself. It was when I peed in my pants in front of an entire class; I was five; when I flunked in math despite being the class topper; when I lost a scholarship only because I wasn’t able to converse in English, and when I suffered heartbreak in the most humiliating way. How trivial everything looks now. I kind of laughed, thinking of it. But these were real, as real as now is. The only difference is time. Yes, time heals it all. The only thing you have to do is hold on. It’s just a game: you vs. your mind.
Did I startle you when I said it’s a game? It’s a game of deception. You are being made to believe you are not important, that you’re not loved. The truth is there is nothing falser than that. Can’t you see the clear blue skies, the bright yellow sun, the kites soaring high, the fluffy clouds, the soothing rains, the smell of coffee, the first bite of ice cream—so many things you really like? How can they make things like that when they don’t love you? Just give the universe some time. Sometimes things go bad before they turn awesome. It’s just a bad day. Let it pass and show kindness to yourself and those around you. Remember, It’s hard for you to accept your pain, but it’s harder for your loved ones to see you in pain. They are just trying to avoid imagining the worst. Hold on, and they would be there for you very soon.
And, you know what? Sometimes, you just don’t have to carry that heavy load all alone. When I was hurting, I visited a yoga retreat. Although meditation and yoga were not my things, something I experienced there helped me a lot. We were made to share our sorrows with strangers; we were asked to hold each other’s hand and look into their eyes. It made me cry. How wonderful was it to share a piece of my vulnerability without being judged? All I experienced there was unconditional love. And that’s where I realized the importance of sharing. With the past baggage being shed, I felt immensely light, as if darkness was lifted off, even though in reality, nothing happened.
Sometimes, it’s not experts but strangers who help you the most. There’s no judgment, no presumptions, no baggage. And above all, it makes you believe in humanity again. And I think you should experience it too. Just let this thought go away for now. Pick up your phone and make a call to any of these numbers below:
Aasra: 022 2754 6669
Sneha Foundation India: +914424640050
Vandrevala Foundation: 18602662345
Felt better? Spread love. There’s no better way to thank the universe than sharing the lessons learned. And the lesson here is unconditional love, free of judgment and boundaries. Lend an ear, listen and understand, extend a helping hand and the world would be a better place to live.