This post has been self-published on Youth Ki Awaaz by Love Matters India. Just like them, anyone can publish on Youth Ki Awaaz.

I Went Numb Looking At My Videos On A Pornographic Website, But I Fought Back

More from Love Matters India

When their long-distance relationship did not work, Tarika decided to break-up with Anand. However, Anand could not handle rejection. What he did next left Tarika broken. She shares her story with Love Matters India.

Tarika*, 20, is a student and lives in Pune. 

Complete Trust

I met Anand* in school and we started dating each other. Gradually, we fell in love and got physically close. He often insisted on making videos while we had sex. He loved taking pictures of us naked in bed.

I cannot really say I was always uncomfortable with him making these videos. I trusted him and did not mind. However, I always insisted that he deleted the videos after we watched it together. Anand always assured me that he would.

Moving On

We were in a relationship for four years–both in school and then in college. When we finished college, I moved to Pune for my post-graduation. Anand decided to join his father’s business. We had different plans for our careers and the future.

We tried to make our long-distance relationship work, but Anand always had issues. He was not happy with me not calling on specific times.

I was actually enjoying the change of the city and did not want to feel bound in a relationship with him. I shared my feelings with Anand and told him that we should break-up. The long-distance relationship was not working for us.

Not A Chance

When he heard the word break-up, Anand got really angry. He could not believe that I wanted to dump him. I tried to reason it out with him, explaining how I wanted space, but he would just not listen.

Anand started calling me at least 20 times a day—abusing me, shouting at me, and sometimes also crying. I just could not handle the situation. I stopped responding to him completely.

A Chill Down The Spine

I kept myself busy with studies and tried to not think about Anand. One day, I got a text from my friend saying that he has seen my sex videos on a pornographic website. I could not believe him.

He sent me a link. I went numb looking at my personal videos on a pornographic website. I cried and did not know who to talk to or what to do.

When I called Anand to confront, he called me a slut! He also told me that if I agree to be with him, he will take the videos down.

He was blackmailing me. I felt powerless and helpless. At one point I became so depressed that I also thought of going back to him just to get the videos removed.

Scot-Free To Date

The next day, I finally gathered the courage to confide in my best friend Neha. She asked me to break all ties with Anand and harbour no thoughts of going back to him. She told me about other revenge porn cases. I had never even heard of the term!

She helped me speak to my parents. My parents were devastated.

My mother and father went to the cyber cell of the police station with me to register a complaint against Anand. I will never forget the cringeworthy moment when I had to write all the details about how we both made videos while making love, in the presence of my parents.

I felt so guilty.

However, the police told us that the videos could no longer be found! Who knows, where they had gone! Anand has still not been charged with anything. When questioned by police, he flatly denied having done anything of the sort.

My parents don’t talk to me now. I don’t know if they’ll forgive me.

It’s been a year and I have cut all ties with Anand. I do sometimes think about what if he would decide to post the videos online again. But if he does, I am ready to fight back without feeling guilty or ashamed.

*To protect the identity, the person in the picture is a model and names have been changed. 

Have you ever been in Tarika’s situation? Need help? Please ask Love Matters (LM) experts on our discussion forum. Don’t forget to check out our Facebook page. 
You must be to comment.
  1. Gokul Gopinath

    I am so frozen reading this. One thing we should keep in mind is, keep our relationship always private and try NOT TO shoot intimate videos or pictures to preserve as memories which will trigger us back in the future. After all, there is no guarantee for our life itself so does a relationship.

More from Love Matters India

Similar Posts

By Esha Tomar

By Ankit Raghav

By Anjali Singhvi

Wondering what to write about?

Here are some topics to get you started

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

Sign up for the Youth Ki Awaaz Prime Ministerial Brief below