Trigger warning: Suicide mention.
It all started way back when I was a toddler, and I don’t even remember most of it. But some incidents do leave a scar or a mark on your memory. We lived as a joint family, and as a child, I used to stay with my aunt and uncle. My father was in the merchant navy and so he used to stay away from home and family. My aunt told me that my mother tried to kill me when I was an infant by throwing me on the hard concrete floor but I cannot be certain since I was an infant. However, I do remember a couple of incidents that happened while I was growing up.
One of the incidents took place when I was a 4-year-old. I was traveling on a bus with my mother and I clearly remember that she got off the bus and abandoned me with a smile. The bus took me to some remote part of Delhi, all this while I was in shock and trying to fathom whether this was real or just a dream. A passenger took the responsibility to take me home and assured that I was safe and there was nothing to be afraid of.
He took me to his office and explained the scenario to his boss and colleagues and got permission from his employer to take me home. Well, by God’s grace I did reach home safe and sound because I managed to remember my complete address. When I reached home I saw all my relatives in a state of shock and despair, while my mother was trying to convince them that it was not her fault at all.
Well, things didn’t stop there, and I worked my way through a long list of incidents, neglect, mental, and physical abuse in my life again and again. I was abandoned on a bus again, this time I was 8-years-old and we had moved to Noida by that time.
In June 1998, my father expired due to a fever in a Noida hospital. I was 17-years-old at the time, a very tender age and I needed a lot of care and attention as every teenager would. My mother accused my uncle and aunts of manipulation and self-interest regarding my father’s property and assets. She threw them on the streets and cut off all ties from everyone from my father’s side.
My maternal uncle and aunt compelled me to take my mother’s side and support her decision as she was the only one I had left. This happened just after my father’s death, within a month or two. She then took control of all his property and assets, even the ones my father had meant for me were snatched away by my mother.
I was suffering so much as a result of all that was going on in my life that I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. My mother stopped my education and told me that there was no point in wasting money on it. I had no guidance or support and was suffering from heavy depression and as a result, drugs came quickly into my life. My mother was totally aware of my drug abuse, rather she supported the habit by paying me to buy drugs and alcohol. A lot of things happened from the age of 17 to 39. It was a roller coaster ride for me where I tried to get back up and kept falling again and again.
My strong will kept me alive and I gradually stopped abusing drugs. But they were always the one place I would find refuge, especially when I stayed with my mother. I always tried to be independent by staying away and working in the BPO sector. My passion has always been traveling and exploring new places. I have trekked my way up Mt Kun which is 7100 m above sea level in Ladakh. I have had many accomplishments which give me the confidence and will to survive, however, as I write about my life, I am disturbed and find my confidence ebbing.
I am 39 right now, about to turn 40 on December 18. I’m still a bachelor with no real future or a professional degree, I have lost my love and yet again I hold my mother responsible. Every time someone comes close to me, or cares for me, guides me or supports me, she drives them away. I do not have a single rupee in my pocket and my mother has lost all my father’s wealth. The only thing that remains is our ancestral house and she is bent upon selling it as soon as possible.
I am in a state of depression right now and have become dependent on drugs again. I really don’t see a point in living anymore and my mother is fine with it. I also tried to kill myself and end this suffering, but I failed, it was in the year 2014. I feel the same way again, but before that, I want to voice my thoughts and explain my ordeals before the truth also perishes with me, because I believe enough is enough.