Look around you. You will see many boys and girls who have been in relationships for quite a long time. They want to get married but are unable to do so because either their parents won’t approve of it or they think the time is not right. I teach in a University set-up and am privy to many such stories.
The problem is even more acute for those in higher education. For example, by the time a student completes MBBS and MD, they end up touching 30 years of age. Parents don’t allow their children to get married before they complete their studies and start earning, because they think a couple cannot study properly or that it will be a loss of face if a man marries before he starts earning. There are many prejudices to be broken here. Let us examine them one-by-one.
Caste Matters
In my childhood, I didn’t really know about the concept of caste. As I grew up, I realised that Muslims are of two types, Sunnis and Shias. Then later, I realised there are also Deobandis and Barelvis, Bohra, Khoja, and whatnot. When I moved to North India, I realised there are Syeds, Ansaris, Pathans, and hundreds of such social divisions. More worryingly, I came to realise that all these matters when two people decide to get married.
Is it not ironical that the followers of a religion, which even allows marriage between Muslims and Christians and Jews, are not ready for marriage between Shia and Sunni or between let’s say a Syed and an OBC Muslim? Why on earth is this so?
Age Matters
If we look at the life of the Prophet, we realise that his first marriage was to a woman 15 years older than him. But, when it comes to arranging marriages among Muslims, the bride has to be younger than the groom, and a 3-year gap is considered very appropriate. And then, these people will claim to be the biggest lovers and followers of the Prophet.
Region And Language Matters
Muslims claim to be the followers of a religion that stands for the entire humanity and has global appeal. Yet, when it comes to marriage, they would want their children to marry someone who is most like them in terms of their state, region, language, sect, and culture. They seem to have taken ‘Think Global and Act Local’ to another extreme.
Money Matters. A Lot!
Islam as a religion doesn’t give much importance to money. In fact, in various teachings of Islam, money is considered to be a trial and not something to be proud of or hoarded. It should definitely not be a criterion while deciding marriage. However, when it comes to fixing marriages, a lot of emphasis is put on the actual and potential earning of the groom and to some extent the bride.
A detailed analysis is done of the money and inheritance that is likely to be passed on. A lot of siblings is a big no-no. This is also the reason why the parents do not allow their kids to be married until they start earning, though they are completely competent to bear any additional expenses.
Expenditure Matters
Marriages have been made such an elaborate and expensive affair that a person has to think multiple times before deciding on the D-day. Millions of rupees are spent in elaborate marriage ceremonies. Even the engagement is made so grand that it dulls some marriages in comparison.
People end up taking loans or sell their property for marriage. Do you think Muslims are following religion in this aspect? Islam has made marriage so simple and inexpensive, but I feel some Muslims have made it expensive and difficult.
Dowry, Like Seriously?
In Islam, there is a concept of Meher, which is to be paid by the groom to the bride, but there is no concept of dowry. However, among Indian Muslims, this is an evil which has become a part of the marriage culture. It is passed off as ‘gift’ from the bride’s side. Many parents sell off their daughter’s inheritance-share to give this ‘gift’, thus excluding her from inheritance in the future. Whom are we fooling here?
It’s Time To Embrace Remarriage
Islam’s teachings do include remarriage of divorced and widowed persons. In this aspect, it was way ahead of its times. But how many marriages of divorced and widowed persons have you seen happening in India? I would say hardly any, although the example of this was set by the Prophet of Islam himself. There are so many widows, widowers, and separated persons, and their marriage, even among themselves, is such a rarity. What probably stops them is ‘Log kya kahenge?’ (what will people say?)
Shouldn’t this change?
Don’t Force Marriage
Marriage is a contract that is signed by two people with others as witnesses and not as decision-makers. But unfortunately, in the name of arranging marriage, parents who might have the best intentions, but no clue as to what their children want, force their children into marriages.
This problem is even more acute with women and girls. Also, we need to understand that a segment of our population comprises of people from the LGBTQIA+ community (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Queer, Asexual, and others), and they may not want to get married. Forcing them into marriage as a form of ‘conversion therapy’ doesn’t work. Why can’t they be left alone?
Islam is a religion of peace and it is also a religion of choice. To stop people from exercising their choice or to force them to do something against their choice, both are wrong.
I hope more followers of Islam understand this and apply this to the contract of Nikah. It is a beautiful bond established by Islam and it is time to reclaim it.