Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Suicide
When I was 15, my cousin (22) started to touch me while I was asleep. At that age, I didn’t know anything about excitement or sexually related things. I used to get wet in my sleep. I thought he was doing all these things unknowingly.
I trusted him but, (I turned 16) one day, he tried to kiss me forcefully; I started crying. He requested me not to tell anyone about it otherwise he would commit suicide. I forgave him, but, I thought I am not pure anymore and decided to jump off the 2nd floor of my house. But after thinking about my parents, I didn’t kill myself.
He was feeling extremely guilty, that’s why I forgave him but the next day, he asked me if I want to be his GF; I told no several times while asking he kept touching me. I don’t know why; I didn’t want him to be sad or depressed, and he made me feel guilty about saying no and gave me the ‘silent treatment’.
I thought I was making him feel bad that’s why I said yes. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I made it clear to him that I don’t want any sexual interaction, but he did it again, guilt-tripping me was his best technique.
One by one, he touched almost every part of my body. It became my duty to let him touch me, otherwise, he would give me the silent treatment. I feel horrible for getting excited. But anyway, I loved him and didn’t want to disappoint him.
At one point, my boobs started getting sore and I didn’t want him to touch them, but he never listened. I told him not to touch my lower body parts but he did not stop, but still, I thought I love him and he loves me.
He used to provoke me against my mom and I never told her anything. He took total control over my life and started following me to school. Once, he told me that he will rape me.
Whenever I felt guilty for being with him, he would say we are not doing anything wrong.
He forced me to come to his place saying “If you love me and want to see me happy you would come” so that he could have sex with me, and I begged him to not have sex; fortunately, he didn’t do it.
It’s been 3 years, but I could not stop feeling guilty about it, my studies are ruined, I could not get admission in a good college, my life is a failure. I know it was my fault and I could have stopped. I don’t want to live anymore. I think I am the most disgusting human being ever.
Sorry for my horrible English.