Poem: “Who Have Refused To Let Themselves Die Inside, It’s A Historic Day For Them”

It’s a historic day for

us

I refresh my Twitter feed again and again and it finally says

it’s done

I want to cry but I can’t

my mother sits a few feet away unaware

 

later when the TV is on, there’s silence

I walk past, determined not to show anything on my face

even as she looks at me from the side of her eyes

I want to cry but I can’t

because even if I don’t tell

it seeps out of me

and at some level they know

but they are better than me at denial

we share the same genes

we share the same tactics

 

but I can feel myself struggling

I let words slip out of my mouth sometimes

Torn between wanting everyone to know and hiding till I die

I talk about women and how beautiful they are

cautiously, as if I am jealous

I talk about how unfair it is

for them

to be denied the freedom to love

I congratulate others

while screaming inside

‘I AM ONE OF YOU’

but today

suddenly

impulsively

stupidly

I want to scream

YES I LIKE GIRLS

YES I DREAM ABOUT KISSING THEM

YES I USED TO BE IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND

I too want to sing songs about the girl who smiled at me the other day and made it all better

I too want to draw pictures of curly hair and bright smiles and hands that touch my cheeks gently

I too want to write poems about being heads over heels in love and gush about it to my friends

I want to celebrate too

but I can’t

I want to cry but I can’t

So I wait

Illustration by Debasmita Das. Provided by the author.

and at night, under the covers, I finally cry

the brave people

braver than me

who have wy are tears of joy and they are tears of despair

I cry looking at the jubilant faces of people

brave orked for this

who have marched the streets wearing their colours

who have braved the disdain and violence

who have refused to let themselves die inside

It’s a historic day for

them

 

one day

I will celebrate

I will cry

and they will be tears of joy

only

About the author: ‘Fig Notaro’ is a big fan of cats, studio ghibli and writers who can describe food vividly.

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