Poem: I Agree That Life is A Gift, But I Think I’m Going To Lose It Very Soon

Image provided by the author.

8 March 2019. 9:32 PM

*TRIGGER WARNING*
( This is the tale of another day where I have described my life when I battle with anxiety and panic.
I attempt to break the stigma around mental health by talking about my own mental state/ health. I assure you that life gets better and it is absolutely okay to seek help.)

I am crying but quietly.
I am dying but I am not ready to give in.
I feel thirsty, I rub my hands and pat on my back.
I try to calm myself down but I am not fine.
I cry helplessly and tears roll all over my face.
I move my hands upon my face and rub all the tears as if they will absorb into me.
I am sobbing, but I can’t shout.
I have no energy, I am too weak.
I am tired of this life, my bones ache and my veins fade.
I am feeling sensations flowing inside my body.
These sensations reaches parts of me that I didn’t even know ever existed.
These sensations makes me close to myself.
These sensations help me meet the real me.
I am the most raw and vulnerable right now.
I am shivering. I curl up my self and try to hide my own being.
I wonder I am a disguise, fooling people with a smile.
I feel like I should kill myself, because I don’t deserve this life. I am finding a scissors around me, I think I can’t survive this night.
I am desperate for help. It’s disturbing to witness these abuses and survive this negativity.
My ears pain and are wet with my tears as I constantly roll on my bed.
My body is shivering helplessly.
My body talks to me every night and explains me things that my brain misses out.
Good days have knocked my door but have never been constant.
I am too far away from love.
Whenever love walks towards me, I push it away.
I often wonder,”Is love too far away?” I am desperate for love but why am I walking away from it?
Why do I run away from it, every time it comes my way?
My life is a living hell. I feel too helpless.
I have been loved but I didn’t absorb the love.
When I get attached to people, I try to give away all the love.
I give my hundred percent but never get it back.
I often overthink and imagine scenarios in my mind that may never happen.
I have nightmares about losing the people I love.
My hand was held but I am still alone.
I have been loved but I didn’t accept the love.
I think I need someone to hold me, love me and tell me everything will be fine.
I try to give out my hundred percent every time but never get it back.
I always understand but I was never understood.
I know nothing in life is guaranteed but as I take another breath and believe alongside, I think I can fulfill my dreams.
I can build my wings and fly across paths and embrace myself.
I can explore what is hidden and make my own ways.
I have had my share of good and bad days but bad days have been more constant.
I have been miserable. I want to shout out loud.
I want to love and receive it back.
Am I making a mistake once again?
I didn’t accept the love of someone who tells me they love me.
Rather I am waiting for someone else’s love, of which I am unsure of.
I want to breathe but I can’t breathe in peace.
I don’t want to die, but death is coming after me.
Episodes of sadness return back to me every year.
I feel this heaviness in my chest, around the same time every year.
Starting from May till the end of December, life has been difficult since 2016.
This time has been terrible to me. It returns every year like it is supposed to be back and haunt me again and again.
It damages and ruins parts of me. It leaves me hopeless and helpless.
My hands go numb and my body collapses.

I cry and wipe off my own tears.

I pretend that I am fine, but I am not.

I am not a rebel, but I want a life.
I am too emotional, I feel things too deeply.
I try to be fearless, but I end up being fearful.
I agree that life is a gift but i think i am going to lose it very soon.

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