This post has been self-published on Youth Ki Awaaz by Saloni Mann. Just like them, anyone can publish on Youth Ki Awaaz.

Poem: I Agree That Life is A Gift, But I Think I’m Going To Lose It Very Soon

More from Saloni Mann

Image provided by the author.

8 March 2019. 9:32 PM

( This is the tale of another day where I have described my life when I battle with anxiety and panic.
I attempt to break the stigma around mental health by talking about my own mental state/ health. I assure you that life gets better and it is absolutely okay to seek help.)

I am crying but quietly.
I am dying but I am not ready to give in.
I feel thirsty, I rub my hands and pat on my back.
I try to calm myself down but I am not fine.
I cry helplessly and tears roll all over my face.
I move my hands upon my face and rub all the tears as if they will absorb into me.
I am sobbing, but I can’t shout.
I have no energy, I am too weak.
I am tired of this life, my bones ache and my veins fade.
I am feeling sensations flowing inside my body.
These sensations reaches parts of me that I didn’t even know ever existed.
These sensations makes me close to myself.
These sensations help me meet the real me.
I am the most raw and vulnerable right now.
I am shivering. I curl up my self and try to hide my own being.
I wonder I am a disguise, fooling people with a smile.
I feel like I should kill myself, because I don’t deserve this life. I am finding a scissors around me, I think I can’t survive this night.
I am desperate for help. It’s disturbing to witness these abuses and survive this negativity.
My ears pain and are wet with my tears as I constantly roll on my bed.
My body is shivering helplessly.
My body talks to me every night and explains me things that my brain misses out.
Good days have knocked my door but have never been constant.
I am too far away from love.
Whenever love walks towards me, I push it away.
I often wonder,”Is love too far away?” I am desperate for love but why am I walking away from it?
Why do I run away from it, every time it comes my way?
My life is a living hell. I feel too helpless.
I have been loved but I didn’t absorb the love.
When I get attached to people, I try to give away all the love.
I give my hundred percent but never get it back.
I often overthink and imagine scenarios in my mind that may never happen.
I have nightmares about losing the people I love.
My hand was held but I am still alone.
I have been loved but I didn’t accept the love.
I think I need someone to hold me, love me and tell me everything will be fine.
I try to give out my hundred percent every time but never get it back.
I always understand but I was never understood.
I know nothing in life is guaranteed but as I take another breath and believe alongside, I think I can fulfill my dreams.
I can build my wings and fly across paths and embrace myself.
I can explore what is hidden and make my own ways.
I have had my share of good and bad days but bad days have been more constant.
I have been miserable. I want to shout out loud.
I want to love and receive it back.
Am I making a mistake once again?
I didn’t accept the love of someone who tells me they love me.
Rather I am waiting for someone else’s love, of which I am unsure of.
I want to breathe but I can’t breathe in peace.
I don’t want to die, but death is coming after me.
Episodes of sadness return back to me every year.
I feel this heaviness in my chest, around the same time every year.
Starting from May till the end of December, life has been difficult since 2016.
This time has been terrible to me. It returns every year like it is supposed to be back and haunt me again and again.
It damages and ruins parts of me. It leaves me hopeless and helpless.
My hands go numb and my body collapses.

I cry and wipe off my own tears.

I pretend that I am fine, but I am not.

I am not a rebel, but I want a life.
I am too emotional, I feel things too deeply.
I try to be fearless, but I end up being fearful.
I agree that life is a gift but i think i am going to lose it very soon.

You must be to comment.

More from Saloni Mann

Similar Posts

By Sharada Vinod

By mythili kamath

By Anusha S

Wondering what to write about?

Here are some topics to get you started

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

An ambassador and trained facilitator under Eco Femme (a social enterprise working towards menstrual health in south India), Sanjina is also an active member of the MHM Collective- India and Menstrual Health Alliance- India. She has conducted Menstrual Health sessions in multiple government schools adopted by Rotary District 3240 as part of their WinS project in rural Bengal. She has also delivered training of trainers on SRHR, gender, sexuality and Menstruation for Tomorrow’s Foundation, Vikramshila Education Resource Society, Nirdhan trust and Micro Finance, Tollygunj Women In Need, Paint It Red in Kolkata.

Now as an MH Fellow with YKA, she’s expanding her impressive scope of work further by launching a campaign to facilitate the process of ensuring better menstrual health and SRH services for women residing in correctional homes in West Bengal. The campaign will entail an independent study to take stalk of the present conditions of MHM in correctional homes across the state and use its findings to build public support and political will to take the necessary action.

Saurabh has been associated with YKA as a user and has consistently been writing on the issue MHM and its intersectionality with other issues in the society. Now as an MHM Fellow with YKA, he’s launched the Right to Period campaign, which aims to ensure proper execution of MHM guidelines in Delhi’s schools.

The long-term aim of the campaign is to develop an open culture where menstruation is not treated as a taboo. The campaign also seeks to hold the schools accountable for their responsibilities as an important component in the implementation of MHM policies by making adequate sanitation infrastructure and knowledge of MHM available in school premises.

Read more about his campaign.

Harshita is a psychologist and works to support people with mental health issues, particularly adolescents who are survivors of violence. Associated with the Azadi Foundation in UP, Harshita became an MHM Fellow with YKA, with the aim of promoting better menstrual health.

Her campaign #MeriMarzi aims to promote menstrual health and wellness, hygiene and facilities for female sex workers in UP. She says, “Knowledge about natural body processes is a very basic human right. And for individuals whose occupation is providing sexual services, it becomes even more important.”

Meri Marzi aims to ensure sensitised, non-discriminatory health workers for the needs of female sex workers in the Suraksha Clinics under the UPSACS (Uttar Pradesh State AIDS Control Society) program by creating more dialogues and garnering public support for the cause of sex workers’ menstrual rights. The campaign will also ensure interventions with sex workers to clear misconceptions around overall hygiene management to ensure that results flow both ways.

Read more about her campaign.

MH Fellow Sabna comes with significant experience working with a range of development issues. A co-founder of Project Sakhi Saheli, which aims to combat period poverty and break menstrual taboos, Sabna has, in the past, worked on the issue of menstruation in urban slums of Delhi with women and adolescent girls. She and her team also released MenstraBook, with menstrastories and organised Menstra Tlk in the Delhi School of Social Work to create more conversations on menstruation.

With YKA MHM Fellow Vineet, Sabna launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society. As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Read more about her campaign. 

A student from Delhi School of Social work, Vineet is a part of Project Sakhi Saheli, an initiative by the students of Delhi school of Social Work to create awareness on Menstrual Health and combat Period Poverty. Along with MHM Action Fellow Sabna, Vineet launched Menstratalk, a campaign that aims to put an end to period poverty and smash menstrual taboos in society.

As a start, the campaign aims to begin conversations on menstrual health with five hundred adolescents and youth in Delhi through offline platforms, and through this community mobilise support to create Period Friendly Institutions out of educational institutes in the city.

Find out more about the campaign here.

A native of Bhagalpur district – Bihar, Shalini Jha believes in equal rights for all genders and wants to work for a gender-equal and just society. In the past she’s had a year-long association as a community leader with Haiyya: Organise for Action’s Health Over Stigma campaign. She’s pursuing a Master’s in Literature with Ambedkar University, Delhi and as an MHM Fellow with YKA, recently launched ‘Project अल्हड़ (Alharh)’.

She says, “Bihar is ranked the lowest in India’s SDG Index 2019 for India. Hygienic and comfortable menstruation is a basic human right and sustainable development cannot be ensured if menstruators are deprived of their basic rights.” Project अल्हड़ (Alharh) aims to create a robust sensitised community in Bhagalpur to collectively spread awareness, break the taboo, debunk myths and initiate fearless conversations around menstruation. The campaign aims to reach at least 6000 adolescent girls from government and private schools in Baghalpur district in 2020.

Read more about the campaign here.

A psychologist and co-founder of a mental health NGO called Customize Cognition, Ritika forayed into the space of menstrual health and hygiene, sexual and reproductive healthcare and rights and gender equality as an MHM Fellow with YKA. She says, “The experience of working on MHM/SRHR and gender equality has been an enriching and eye-opening experience. I have learned what’s beneath the surface of the issue, be it awareness, lack of resources or disregard for trans men, who also menstruate.”

The Transmen-ses campaign aims to tackle the issue of silence and disregard for trans men’s menstruation needs, by mobilising gender sensitive health professionals and gender neutral restrooms in Lucknow.

Read more about the campaign here.

A Computer Science engineer by education, Nitisha started her career in the corporate sector, before realising she wanted to work in the development and social justice space. Since then, she has worked with Teach For India and Care India and is from the founding batch of Indian School of Development Management (ISDM), a one of its kind organisation creating leaders for the development sector through its experiential learning post graduate program.

As a Youth Ki Awaaz Menstrual Health Fellow, Nitisha has started Let’s Talk Period, a campaign to mobilise young people to switch to sustainable period products. She says, “80 lakh women in Delhi use non-biodegradable sanitary products, generate 3000 tonnes of menstrual waste, that takes 500-800 years to decompose; which in turn contributes to the health issues of all menstruators, increased burden of waste management on the city and harmful living environment for all citizens.

Let’s Talk Period aims to change this by

Find out more about her campaign here.

Share your details to download the report.

We promise not to spam or send irrelevant information.

A former Assistant Secretary with the Ministry of Women and Child Development in West Bengal for three months, Lakshmi Bhavya has been championing the cause of menstrual hygiene in her district. By associating herself with the Lalana Campaign, a holistic menstrual hygiene awareness campaign which is conducted by the Anahat NGO, Lakshmi has been slowly breaking taboos when it comes to periods and menstrual hygiene.

A Gender Rights Activist working with the tribal and marginalized communities in india, Srilekha is a PhD scholar working on understanding body and sexuality among tribal girls, to fill the gaps in research around indigenous women and their stories. Srilekha has worked extensively at the grassroots level with community based organisations, through several advocacy initiatives around Gender, Mental Health, Menstrual Hygiene and Sexual and Reproductive Health Rights (SRHR) for the indigenous in Jharkhand, over the last 6 years.

Srilekha has also contributed to sustainable livelihood projects and legal aid programs for survivors of sex trafficking. She has been conducting research based programs on maternal health, mental health, gender based violence, sex and sexuality. Her interest lies in conducting workshops for young people on life skills, feminism, gender and sexuality, trauma, resilience and interpersonal relationships.

A Guwahati-based college student pursuing her Masters in Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Bidisha started the #BleedwithDignity campaign on the technology platform, demanding that the Government of Assam install
biodegradable sanitary pad vending machines in all government schools across the state. Her petition on has already gathered support from over 90000 people and continues to grow.

Bidisha was selected in’s flagship program ‘She Creates Change’ having run successful online advocacy
campaigns, which were widely recognised. Through the #BleedwithDignity campaign; she organised and celebrated World Menstrual Hygiene Day, 2019 in Guwahati, Assam by hosting a wall mural by collaborating with local organisations. The initiative was widely covered by national and local media, and the mural was later inaugurated by the event’s chief guest Commissioner of Guwahati Municipal Corporation (GMC) Debeswar Malakar, IAS.

Sign up for the Youth Ki Awaaz Prime Ministerial Brief below