Poem: “I Am Trying To Be More Than A Woman Who Survived”

Darling, I wish,

I wish I could tell you.

I wish I could tell you why it took me so long to kiss you.

I wish I could tell you why being alone in a room makes my breathing heavy and hands sweat.

Why I don’t like crowds.

Why my eyes always look for escape routes wherever we go.

I wish I could tell you about him.

I wish I could tell you about the night in that dark room, when I couldn’t escape.

How I am still unable to escape.

I wish you would leave me, so that I wouldn’t have to face the fear of you being like him.

I wish I could say that I believe you when you say you love me.

I wish I could say I love you too.

I wish I could believe you when you tell me everything is alright

But how do I tell you how nothing is alright in my head.

Nothing is okay.

Everything feels like a blur, a lie, a false hope, a false dream in this false world.

How can I explain why I can’t fall asleep at night, and when I do fall asleep,

I wake up shivering, like I was shivering that night.

How all I want is to hug you and cry and let it all out,

But I know you will ask me what’s wrong and I won’t have an answer.

But darling, I am trying.

I am trying to be more than a woman who survived.

I am trying to believe.

Believe that I can have better memories.

Believe that my life

Is not that one night.

It’s everything else that’s beautiful.

I am trying.

To love.

To replace trauma with hope.

But it’s hard.

It’s really hard.

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