TW: The article talks about domestic violence.
Now, I am not going to give you any professional advice, I am just writing about what I have experienced and done till now to relieve myself.
I would have considered writing an academic article, quoting ‘psychoanalytical’ or domestic violence theories, coping mechanisms, quotes of psychologists, and so on. Though being a scholar gives you perspective, it doesn’t make you any different from any other person living in an abusive or problematic family. Rather, I feel it becomes difficult for people to believe that an educated and empowered woman also has to go through this hell.
Reality check: our society doesn’t exist on opposite ends of the spectrum. Here, I will not be talking about problems in society or family as an institution and what needs to be changed. I will write as an individual who has dealt with similar situations.
Let’s begin with some practical advice which may save you from irrevocable trauma or stress you might be going through.
- Setup a secret account or keep a diary: If you have your own safe space (which most of us struggle for), write how you feel and whatever you want to, pour out all your feelings. Acknowledging your emotions gives you strength and solace. I did it till I left my home for the first time. Unfortunately, I’m stuck here again and now I am writing this, leave that story for next time.
- Avoid toxic people around you as far as possible. Avoiding is difficult but engaging with them is possibly too draining. Meditation and positive affirmations will help, dance, music, walking on the terrace and staring at the moon, watering a plant, don’t forget to do these little things to heal yourself.
- You don’t have to be a divine soul to exist. You can never be good enough or an angel for those who see you as a devil, accept it. You know survival is the most important thing and for which you have to learn basic defence like – running away when it’s becoming violent, saving yourself from any physical harm. Don’t fall into arguments and as soon as it becomes hot, just leave that space. You have enough experience that you can’t influence externally, but you can control your thoughts.
- Never leave your own side, be there stay for a while and dear soul you will be fine. Don’t ever accuse yourself of whatever situation it may be, because you don’t have any control over anyone else than yourself. You don’t need to feel guilty for someone else’s action or words. So, take a deep breath and repeat- “I am an important being in this universe; I have all right to live and be happy.” Be gentle with yourself.
- Take care of your mental well being. It’s the most challenging thing to do when you are constantly surrounded by an emotionally draining and negative atmosphere. But you are a fighter, that’s why you came till here. Talk to someone whom you can trust, even if you can’t share everything with them still it’s essential to be in touch with someone who cares for you. Venting out or just a rant will ease your pain. You can wake up a little early or stay awake a little longer in the night. Gift yourself a ‘me time’ or ‘healing time’, you will feel good.
- Accept your vulnerability and cry. Someone else’s words don’t define you, shed those tears and be vulnerable. It’s okay to be weak on your knees and feel like bursting out into tears, there is immense strength in accepting your situation. Crying isn’t only calming, also you could actually see yourself being able to rise above the condition as you have accepted it. Always remember crying is not a sign of weakness. It takes utmost courage to be able to cry like a child and being vulnerable as an adult. And you know what, I am writing this after crying a bit.
- Never lose your Self-worth. It’s easy to lose your confidence and begin doubting your worthwhile living amid people who constantly look down upon you. We, humans, are programmed in such a way that we crave for attention, support and love from our family. It is indeed difficult to grow against them unless you love yourself enough.
What Does Loving Yourself Actually Mean?
Take pride in your humble achievements, plan for your career and keep yourself busy in executing those plans. No one in this entire world can evaluate your worth, they haven’t lived your life and you only can decide your self-worth. You have done great, you are open to learning and constantly striving to be happy despite whatever situation you are in. This makes you exceptional and no matter what anyone else says, keep telling yourself that you deserve peace and love.
You might be wondering why I didn’t write about counselling or therapy. I don’t deny the need for professional help. I would like to share that I am a social worker and I have seen the reality of our families and society so closely that I know a majority of the people in distress aren’t in the condition to take professional help.
If you can, well and good, but I am writing here for those who tried and failed or it’s difficult for them to reach out anyone. I am writing here as a survivor who empathises with you, who can feel your pain.
Breaking a cycle of abuse is not easy, in many circumstances the only way to survive is to ‘walk away’, but this pandemic has forced us to stay where we are. Just stay a little longer and you will be okay, If you are listening to me or reading this piece please don’t give up, the way you haven’t till now.
I believe in you, I am listening to you, I am you.
If you are looking for help, you can reach out here.