I switched off the lights and lit the candle. The sweet fragrance helped me sleep better, at least that is what I thought. Yellow flowery curtains over the window were shining by the light of the candle. I always sleep on the left side of my bed. I close my eyes, listening to my favourite music on the laptop kept beside me.
He suddenly stepped on the bed, held my hands and choked me. I’d squirm for hours, but he would not stop. My pillow soaked with tears. He choked me until I gave up. He stopped when he could not do anything more. I was lying on the bed almost unconscious, hardly able to breathe. I got up after a few minutes and had some water. I replayed my favourite songs and cried myself to sleep.
Every day, he does this to me multiple times and I cannot stop him. He went away a long time ago, but now he is back. Though he never promised, he has been with me since forever. I remember his presence since I was a kid. The only difference is that his love for me has become more intense as time has passed by.
Earlier he would come and stay for a while, like everyone else; he did not choke me or disrupt my daily life or make me breathless. He chokes me for hours now — not hard enough to actually kill me, though. I am not able to breathe properly. I do not recognise that version of myself after I come back to my senses.
But you know, what separates him from others is his loyalty towards me. I cannot say goodbye to him because he never leaves my side like everyone else. I hold on to him because no matter where I am, he bounces back to me. I do not feel lonely because he is the only one who stays without any promises, he checks up on me without any reason, unlike others. And now I realise I feel comfortable in his presence in spite of everything else, because he is my pain.
My pain is the love of my life because he ensures that he’s with me when no one else was. I can be myself with him, I can cry, I can scream, and I can express myself without any filters. I do not feel the need to talk to anyone else when I am in pain. It does not tell me that I need to connect everything psychologically because it understands that every human being feels it differently.
It never tells me that everyone has issues and you need to deal with it, you are strong. I choose my pain over anyone else because it allows me to be vulnerable and needy, though I know that one day it would not stop until my breath leaves my body. But at least I would not be alone. So, let me hold on to it because it always stays.