Have you ever noticed how our needs change as we grow up? From fitting our needs to the size of our pocket money to aspiring for bigger and better things. Our needs and desires grow as we grow. It could be something as simple as the phones we carry, the cars we drive, the clothes we wear or the cafes we dine at. The reason I choose to call them ‘needs’ is because as we grow older, our desires or needs become a way of life that we keep referring to as ‘our standard of living.’ Say, from desiring a car for the purpose of travelling faster and comfortably, it also becomes important to have a car better than the one we drove earlier. The lines, thus, blur between our needs and wants. Our ‘needs and desires’ start growing during teen years, grow even more when we are in our 20s, then peak in our 30s and, for most, continue to remain at that peak until the 50s.
Look back and see which was the first phone you carried or which was the first vehicle you drove?
Somewhere most of us started from very basic phones—Nokia 1100, Nokia 8210, Blackberry Curve, etc.—travelled by buses or other public transport or drove far less sophisticated cars and were yet happy and content. Small cafés, simple meals like noodles or a burger or a pizza or momos were a luxury, but today, even an iOS phone, an expensive car or even the latest restaurant at a five-star hotel may not be enough.
What is it that brings about a change in our needs or rather in us?
Is it the maturity or is it the competition out there, is it the peer pressure or is it us simply trying to win the rat race? Thus, adding to the pressure which our loved ones may put on us, we too end up putting pressure on ourselves. A need begins to develop and there is a constant effort to outdo ourselves as well as others, often resulting in a lot of us spending unnecessarily, buying luxurious items even those which are out of our budget, thereby, leading us to take excessive loans to fulfill our materialistic desires.
Change Reactions
A number of factors determine the changes in us as we grow up. Part of all of the above-mentioned the need to have a bigger need points contribute to the changes that occur within us. Sit back and think of how your needs have changed ever since you were in college. Although it seems like a mere phase all of us go through, the repercussions of intense competition/rat race are way more than we can imagine. People suffer from various losses, fail to save money, striking a balance between emotions and materialistic pursuits usually goes haywire that tarnish relationships as jealously and inflated egos rule. Sometimes there is a false sense of pride and well-being that arises out of these monetary gains. While it is not uncommon for most of us to go through this phase, the level of impact a deeply competitive environment has on us is different for each person.
I clearly remember the time when I was once sitting in my wellness room and a very senior person from the HR department of the organisation I was working for came in to talk about his immediate junior, Mayank. The HR manager spoke about certain changes in Mayank’s behaviour that he had been noticing for two months. Mayank apparently had become quieter, was often upset about something, and was seen distancing himself from others in the office, all of which was very unlike him. Mayank’s performance at work was seen declining and he was found to be inattentive during meetings, which was again very uncharacteristic of him. We called Mayank in for therapy and that is where my journey began with him.
I often wonder how each one of us reacts differently even when facing similar kinds of issues.
Mayank was a polished and well-groomed person. Although referred by his senior, he was quite willing to seek help via counseling. He would be there for every session and on time. However, it was not easy to build a rapport with him. Even though he would come on time for the sessions, he would keep a distance and his behavior was very formal. Mayank’s responses to the questions asked were very monosyllabic.
This is a very normal feature that we see in clients who are referred by others—be it their seniors, co-workers, or family members. In psychology, we call this ‘resistance ’. People who display resistance are often fearful of their personal information getting leaked out and as a result may be very wary of what they say.
Breaking Mental Barriers
Resistance is often seen more in cases where people are seeking counselling within the organisation as they are afraid that their personal information may become public and that may impact their workplace image. However, the resistance levels go down when the person begins to establish faith in the therapist, understands that the sessions are confidential in nature and that nothing that the client shares with the therapist goes out of that room. Confidentiality is one of the primary ethics of our profession, wherein whatever the client shares with us is meant to be kept private until and unless the client is suicidal or homicidal.
Mayank, too, like most others, started opening up after the first two or three sessions and things started to eventually fall in place. Our initial two sessions were essentially about trying to understand him, his childhood history, family background, educational qualifications, work experience, relationships, likes, and dislikes and were mainly intended to gather deeper insights into the person’s life to break the ice and to know him better. During these sessions, he often spoke about his wife, to whom he was married for nine years now, and also about their six-year-old son.
When Plush Comes to Shove
Mayank had always been an above-average student and completed his MBA from one of the leading private business schools in India. He bagged a great job offer at a campus placement even before he had appeared for his final exams. So, by the time he got married, he was already drawing an attractive salary. Mayank belonged to a well-to-do middle-class, educated family and his salary complemented his family’s financial status. He had never really been deprived of anything in life. For instance, his daily expenses were taken care of by his father, they had their own house, so there really weren’t any complaints. Travelling was always a passion for Mayank and he dreamed of a life of luxury. And with a salary to support him now, he started dreaming big together with his wife.
Every two or three years came in a new car. From a Maruti Swift, Honda Civic, to a Mercedes C class, it was life couched in ample luxury. He and his wife were using the best and the latest iOS phones and devices and sporting top brands such as the Gucci, Armani, Tod, Fendi and Dior. And when his child was born, he rented a one-acre farmhouse at Chhatarpur, near Delhi, and moved out. There was also a black Range Rover to celebrate the occasion.
Mayank lived a lavish life. His spacious and luxurious house had a large lawn with a swimming pool, a porch with a fountain and landscaping all around. Things were as beautiful as they could get and life was blissful. Perfect job, latest cars, a huge mansion, membership of fancy gyms, going in for the best of salon and spa treatments, rubbing shoulders with the glitterati—Mayank and his wife had everything going for them. A few years passed. His six-year-old son now was a student of one of the best global schools in the country. They enrolled him for music classes, robotics, and horse riding. All the classes he went to were classes mostly for the kids who belonged to elite families, which also meant that he also needed a car, driver, and house-help to be with the child at all times.
While Mayank and his wife Radha were enjoying this phase of life, they did not really think of putting some money aside by way of investments, especially for the rainy day. But good things too can come to a sudden end and that’s how it all changed for Mayank too. As the economic crisis and recession hit the global markets, the stocks of Mayank’s company too came crashing down. And on a not-so-fine morning, about 50 employees of the company were fired and the salaries of all employees at senior levels were slashed by 50 percent or even more. Mayank could not escape the scourge of the recession either. Although the company did not let go of him, he too had to take a 50 percent salary cut. It shook him to a great extent, but it was only at the end of the month that reality hit home. Bills remained the same, but the salary was reduced by half. everything he owned was on EMI: cars, phones, laptops, devices, and even some of the fancy furniture that they had bought from Italy.
The situation worsened with time. In lieu of paying month-end credit card bills, he would use another card to pay it off. As a result, his financial situation worsened and Mayank found himself deeper in debts. Till about three months he did not even tell his wife about the situation at work, fearing it would upset her. He loved his wife and child a lot and did not want them to suffer at any cost, but it all had to be revealed after all. After three months when he could bear it no longer, he revealed the truth to his wife one day when they were in a shopping mall. Watching Radha go on a usual buying spree, Mayank couldn’t take it anymore and ended up screaming at her. As he shouted at her, a wave of self-realisation struck him and he broke down in tears. He realised that this was the first time ever he was stopping his wife from buying what she wanted and this completely rattled him. His wife, too, was in a state of shock and did not say much.
It was tough for Mayank to control the spending habits of his wife and child in the long run. Radha and their child continued to live the way they used to and Mayank kept losing his sleep with each passing day. His anxiety deepened as did the crisis. Although he wanted to stop his wife and child, he could not bring himself to doing it and was somewhere hoping the bad time would pass just the way it had appeared.
After eight months later, the situation had not improved and, in fact, it had worsened. Mayank gradually started getting irritated over small matters, often lost his cool and refrained from going out for shopping or social gatherings, lest they ended up spending excessively. He said he had become a ‘miser’. This change in Mayank’s behaviour drove him and his wife apart. While she still liked going out and meeting people socially, he had completely stopped doing so. Radha found it very tough to deal with the situation and this left her feeling angry, irritated and edgy most of time. It was tough for her to avoid and refuse all the invitations she got for parties and dinners. People began questioning, being suspicious and even mocking her for staying away from the social gatherings. This created further differences between Mayank and Radha.
Unable to further bear the financial burden and stress, Mayank decided to move into a smaller house. However, for striking any property deal, he needed a security deposit of at least six months which he was unable to bear. And if things weren’t bad enough for Mayank, the financial distress began impacting his health too. Mayank started losing his sleep and developed high blood pressure (BP) problem. Stress leading to high BP is quite common and can even affect younger people.
Do you know that 29.78 percent of men above the age of 25 suffer from high BP? Stress and high BP go hand in hand.
Mayank had also become a part of that same downward spiral where his situation went from bad to worse, impacting multiple facets of his life. His relationship with his wife had never been this weak. It had even reached a point where his child had started mocking him for being a ‘miser’.
Thus, when Mayank entered my cabin, he was in a battered state with his self-esteem being very low, his BP soaring, with him spending nearly sleepless nights and with little or no social support. He said the only support system he had at that point was his three pegs of whisky each night. I remember Mayank clearly telling me, ‘If it was not for the drink, I would end up sitting all night and worrying about my current state of affairs.’ Alcohol is a common coping mechanism that most people turn to in order to get instant relief.
