It’s been a while since I checked in with you, but not much has changed, in terms of – I still look at the same stained window and live with the same hope for better days to come.
In the initial months, I kept longing for a sense of ‘normalcy’ or some sort of routine to stick to, so that I wouldn’t get lost in a spiral of my own thoughts. The only routine I follow now is of waking up, overthinking, sleeping, waking up and overthinking. If this is the new normal, I fear it.
When new guidelines come out for ‘unlock’ at the end of every month, it manages to lock me up inside even more. The fact that people are being allowed to go out for non-essential activities makes everything around me feel unsafe. I will never be ready to go out. It seems as if everyone has moved on except me. I don’t understand this fatigue; where we think that being tired of the wrong is the right?
My friends and I find comfort in each other. But sometimes, I get drained out by trying to make others feel better when I don’t know how to be that person for myself. I often lash out at others and feel irritable as days go on, but on the other end, I also end up bottling up emotions so that I don’t add to everyone’s already existing stress. Not having my own private space at home makes it very hard to be at the receiving end of these two extremes.
I am glad to be home. But I wonder if I am the only person who feels like things are not the same anymore. It’s been 6 years since all of us lived together. Fights and misunderstandings now affect me more than usual as I am trying to fight other inner battles.
Looking at my mom standing over the stove all day, I can see that she’s exhausted. She comes out with a plate of newly experimented food and gives it to me with a glow on her face – which is either sweat or happiness with making something new for me. I don’t know if I should burden her with how I am feeling?
It feels as if Covid managed to suck out all the goodness left in humanity. I wake up tired not realizing the amount of negativity I had consumed the previous night by mindlessly scrolling through the stream of news. There is a wave of guilt when I try to stay oblivious about such deplorable incidents that occur every day in our country. I can’t seem to find a balance between being informed and being overwhelmed by this addictive news cycle.
My sleep routine is the only thing that is stable at this point and that hits a pause at everything that is happening. Time to do that to be ready for the same day tomorrow.
Goodnight.