At 2 in the morning, the lights of my room were bright, and I could see my silhouette on the floor beaming radiantly. Still, I felt darkness and gloominess, taking over my mind and heart. I felt that my emotions weren’t mine anymore. I was oblivious to what was going on around me, and at one point, I could feel my own emotions haunting me like a nightmare. I looked into the phone screen, and I could see my face all pale. I could feel my body hurting—as if someone stabbed me with a sword and left me in pain with the sword piercing inside me. I could feel the pain crawling deep within my bones. All I yearned for at that moment was to feel nothing.
I always found myself struggling to deal with my emotions. I would wage war, and battle with these emotions to attain some peace, but I lost every time. My emotions have this intensity in them that they would show me their anger by making me feel this way. From sobbing, weeping to cry out aloud, nothing would calm me. I would try to escape from these emotions only to be caught by them again and again within no time. They would throw me in a dark pit, and I would toil to find a way to get myself away from it.
All my efforts went in vain. These emotions are filled with immense pain, contest, and anger that have scarred me for life. They are invisible to the world, but they are the only thing visible to me at that time. I can never make people understand what goes on with me often. Sometimes, I fail to make them understand, and at other times, I am embarrassed because even for trivial reasons, I end up on this dark side. Penning down how I feel is the only way I can express myself. Should I blame myself for feeling so deeply, or should I blame situations?
Every now and then, I would find myself in this position. Instead of reciprocating kindness, I would hear words like drama, tantrums or quotes like,“kya hi problem hai tumhe, sab toh hai zindagi me, sab sahi to chal rha hai, fir kyun or kis baat ka itna rona or drama.” (What’s your problem, you have everything in life, everything seems to be going fine, then why all this crying and drama?)
I know I am not the odd one out here, so stop lecturing and blaming me for feeling! There are no rules or full proof plans and hacks to deal with emotions. I wish there were, but sadly there isn’t; it’s not necessary if you were able to deal with it one way, the other person would also be able to do so. People deal with it in their own ways because you cannot force someone by lecturing them about wisdom and other such things. Stop accusing and making fun of me, a lot of other people out there for feeling the way we feel.
I could never give an exact answer to why, and in what situation I feel or had felt this way. All I know is it’s okay to feel the way I feel and I stopped cursing myself for feeling this way. I have started embracing the pain because I know “this shall pass.”
The more I ran, the harder it became for me to get away from it. The more I felt it and celebrated the pain, the easier it became to deal with it. You will be okay when you decide to be so. So feel the pain, embrace it, and after some time, you will automatically reach a stage of acceptance, which will help you fight with your inner demons, and you will walk out freely.