Millions of us from all over the world are suffering or killing ourselves because of an insidious and invisible psychological abuse. We deserve validation and justice just like any other victim of insidious crime. There had been victims of severe narcissist abuse for over many years and the impact is life-changing, depressing and horrible. So many women and men suffer in silence even as most people don’t even understand what narcissistic abuse is.
There are many cases of narcissistic abuse, crime, criminal behaviour, physical abuse, self injury, divorce cases and suicides in India and all over world. Narcissistic abuse encompasses emotional, spiritual, sexual, mental, financial, fraud, theft and physical violence.
This article was written to raise awareness on the issue and to advocate the creation of laws to protect victims of narcissistic sociopath abuse in India.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder characterised by a long-term pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward other people. People with NPD often spend much time thinking about achieving power and success, or on their appearance. Typically, they also take advantage of the people around them. Such narcissistic behaviour typically begins by early adulthood and occurs across a broad range of situations.
NPD is included in the cluster B personality disorders in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Therapy is difficult, because people with narcissistic personality disorder usually do not consider themselves to have a mental health problem. About one percent of the world population is believed to be affected with NPD at some point in their lives. Narcissistic abuse must be considered a crime. It tantamounts to physical abuse. Victims of narcissistic abuse have been know to:
Following are, according to me, some traits that one might observe in a narcissist:
Narcissists love to set up ‘triangles’ in which their partners feel ‘at odds’ with each other, and enjoy the jealousy and the fighting ensue. They do so not only with partners but also with ex-partners, mothers and friends. The point is to make sure they’re at the center of attention and desire. This is called ‘triangulation’ in psychology. It is meant to make you feel insecure, undesirable, and keep you anxious and ‘on your toes.’
A divorce with a narcissist is difficult. They lie about everything to anyone who would listen, especially their attorney and the judge. They bury their spouse in paperwork and false accusations. They manipulate at every step. A narcissist wishes to win no matter what, for which they can create their own facts. They want their ‘truth’ to prevail.
Flying monkeys is a ‘pop psychology’ term used in the context of narcissistic abuse. Flying monkeys are people who act on behalf of a narcissist, usually for an abusive purpose (e.g. smear campaign). The phrase has also been used to refer to people who act on behalf of a psychopath, for a similar purpose. The term is not used in psychology, medical practice or teaching.
Abuse by proxy (or proxy abuse) is a closely related or synonymous concept. Flying monkeys is actually a pop culture reference to the winged monkeys used by the Wicked Witch of the West in the 1939 film Wizard of Oz to carry out evil deeds on her behalf.
A flying monkeys is anyone who believes the narcissist’s fake persona. This includes the narcissist’s daughter, spouse, child, friend, sibling or cousin. According to author Angela Atkinson, flying monkeys are usually unwittingly manipulated although they may also be narcissists themselves.
According to Sam Vaknin, a sufferer of NPD and an author who’s written on the subject, proxy abusers can come from a number of sources:
The flying monkey does the narcissist’s bidding to inflict additional torment on the target. It may consist of spying, spreading gossip, threatening, painting the narcissist as the victim (victim playing) and the target as the perpetrator (victim blaming). Despite this, the narcissist does not hesitate to make flying monkeys his or her scapegoats when and if needed.
The flying monkeys may make it seem like the narcissist is not really involved, and they likely have no idea that they are being used. Multiple flying monkeys act as a mobbing force against a victim.
Children raised by a narcissistic parent experience continued psychological whiplash. They control with the threat of withdrawal of support or rage. They are full of drama, they may harm themselves, manipulate, and concoct incidents. The non-narcissist parent is affected too.
Here’s a portrait of a narcissistic parent:
Your socially engaged mom becomes a controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing a perpetual smile that never falters, at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, she criticises, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards. She makes you feel like a failure if you’re not doing what she wants right now. Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like her needs are of utmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.
She is easily offended, claiming that she does ‘so much’ for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she’s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother. She might compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.
She is privately opinionated, blasting people in private, while pretending to be forgiving in public. Your mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She is charismatic, smiles and even chats with them while saving her criticism for home. She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get validation. “I’m sorry mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.
She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life.The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.
A narcissistic parent can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do, yet, we all require parental love. The consequences of being raised by a narcissistic parent can be subtle or dramatic, often affecting adulthood. Neither the parent nor the child may realise this until then. Remember that children must adapt to their early childhood, and the way we do so influences who we become.
No one should ever have to feel that taking their own life is the only option to be free of their abuser. To prevent narcissistic abuse happening to others, enforcement measures were proposed as Shanes’s Law in the United States a few years ago.
What is passive-aggressive behaviour? And how does it cross the line into being narcissistic? Is passive-aggressive behaviour simply narcissistic behaviour? Wikipedia states passive-aggressive behaviour as being ‘a type of behaviour characterised by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation’.
I truly do believe that all narcissists operate in passive-aggressive ways, because being passive-aggressive, they are not open and honest about feelings, or interested in working with people honestly, or asking for what is required personally, instead, they express displeasure through actions.
What I’ve outlined here should be taught in schools, to the police, to social workers, to the government, to judges, to the court, and to law.
I want this abuse to be explained to children before they start intimate relationships, and for it to be made a criminal offence for narcissists to abuse their parents/partners/friends/family/colleagues with this sort of abuse.
This abuse is wrong on so many levels and something needs to be done now. The longer this phenomenon goes unheard and unnoticed, the worse it will become and the more likely people are to succumb to narcissistic personality disorder. Help make a change, so people know this is wrong. This sort of abuse shouldn’t be tolerated by anyone in any circumstances no one should have to go through it.
In the UK, the Serious Crime Act of 2015 Section 76 does actually deal with emotional abuse, coercive and controlling behaviour and pretty much most of the typical narcissistic behaviours and abuse. So yes, in the UK, you can go to the police and potentially have an abuser arrested, and yes they could go to jail for up to five years.
America may have a law soon as well. There’s an ongoing petition.
Many countries have come up with strong laws to prevent people from going into depression and killing themselves. The law should always protect people from those who throw stones, visible or not. Help to protect victims and save lives by sharing this article. The first step towards fighting such evils is to make people aware of it, especially kids.